Inhale the New

You know, sometimes it’s hard to stay positive- but I do it.

Sometimes it seems like I should be upset- but I let it go.

There are other times I believe people are being disrespectful- But I forgive them.

And there are other times when people can’t let me go- and I respect them.

 

In this world, not everything is as it seems. And so when I’m upset, or feel cornered, I need to take a deep breathe in and just let all of the negativity leave my body. It’s like continuously inhaling unwanted smoke, soon, if you keep it in your lungs you are going to start to choke.

Walk outside and breath in fresh air, new possibilities, and a cleansing way to see life. Because staying in the negative enviroment isn’t going to help you. Breathing in each time you feel like your going to lose it, now that will save you and your soul.

I love you and hope that when you are living in strife, that you take a deep breath in and never let positive thoughts go.

A. Willow

The Moon and More

These stories of my life are lessons for me to look back on. Too many times have I ignored my own advice, the lessons I had learned from God. It’s like a struggling circle, and sometimes when I get too caught up in life I can’t see anything. All I want to do is feel bad for myself and pity the girl that is alone….

But I’m not.

God is with me every step of the way, Jesus walks beside me guiding my sway. All of my lessons add up to test me in the future, and I have a bad feeling that I am failing.

I’ve looked back on more than one post, realizing how helpful my past words and revelations have been for my soul. And I sit here, hating that all I do is mope and wish life was different, but to be honest, I can Change the course of my life anytime I want.

I could become a famous author, I can find my perfect match, I can raise a family the right way, and spread love to the masses….but in order to do that I must BELIEVE in myself and feel purely with my heart. Becuase if you don’t put your heart and soul into your everyday life, you are going to remain stuck in the mud, unable to climb out.

I used to think that any one person is strong enough to do anything on their own…but I was wrong. It takes courage that God gives you, the Love that Jesus saved you….it all makes sense now. Why do you think humans struggle on their own. It isn’t because we aren’t capable, but we were meant to be helped and guided by the people that we love.

Put your heart and soul into everything you do, and God will reward you with beauty. Believe in yourself, every step of the way, and know that with those key skills, you can fly to the moon and beyond.

I love you all, truly I do,

A. Willow

Going Day by Day

My heart races with an unknown silence. I’ve never felt this way without wanting to run away. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if it can lead to anything, but I do know that if there is any chance of happiness with this person I want to find out.

My nerves are shaky as we meet, I feel like my legs are going to wobble and fall down, but I stand my ground. I give a smile even though I feel weak, and I wait for his response. Could it be meek?

This is too good to be true, and I know soon I’ll be waking from this dream. When will I fall down the dark hole and awake from this? Or is it all what it seems?

I’m like a scared little girl, unable to face my fate. It sucks when you know you want to have your life go a certain way, but life has other plans for you. And so I sit here, and wait, until God gives me the okay, to feel comfortable in someone’s arms, and know we were meant to never part.

So yes, I’m scared, thinking that this COULD be the one, but I have to think of it another way. That all these people, men, that I meet are simply friends I’m getting to know better. Some may be more attractive than others, but I still have to see them as just friends. I can’t think about who I’m SUPPOSED to be with or what my FATE is, I have to go out there and live my life. Because honestly, thinking about the future only makes you think of the days on ahead, and right now you need to focus on the time you treasure now. So this guy that I’m so nervous to meet. *Shrug. He is just a friend that I’m talking to, and the more I talk to him the more I want to get to know him. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Wait it out going day by day, and then you’ll see life will happen naturally.

I love you all,

A. Willow

The Shift

Life changes constantly, and at the same time. Whenever something happens, it happens BIG and all together. For a few weeks now nothing new has shown up at my door, and I’ve been stressing over the little things in life like I always have. But suddenly, now that I left for vacation, everything is happening at once. One thing happens after another like a chain reaction.

The dominoes of life are falling and slowly but surely I am getting to the end of that line.

The thing about me, and I’m sure humans in general, is that we like to dwell on things that we cannot control. Our minds surrender to the horrors that we wish we could change, wishing we could change the people we love, or the choices we make. Today, some new things popped up that let me know that change is GOOD. We all must change in order to grow, and that my dear friends is called the shift.

It’s the moment when your life seems to be headed down a dark tunnel with nowhere to go, and then suddenly somebody grabs your wrist and brings you into the light. Your entire life changes all at once, and you begin a new trail.

Don’t fret the moments that change comes. We were never meant to go through the same motions everyday. We are meant to move fluidly like an ocean forever changing and never knowing quite where life is going to take us.

So I tip my hat off to all you brave souls that dive into the ocean and embrace all that life has to offer.

Always your friend,

A. Willow

Depression is Coming

I must admit, after taking this job, I haven’t been able to see God as clearly. My life is too busy, I’m struggling to pay rent, and life in this cold senseless winter is beginning to freeze the inside of me.
Months go by, and the way I see the world changes. I try to view the smiles more often, hear my friends laugh, but you get sucked into such a dark foggy place that’s its hard to see through it.

This is the warning that I am slipping again. Back into that dreadful place I once found comforting. I’ve begun, again, to let life take me into its hands and slowly fold over me, making me blind to what I know is important.

Why is it that with the different things we do in life, it can affect us so immensely?

“I’m being sucked dry. I’m being sucked dry.” I heart is screaming into my head, but I cannot hear it half the time. I’ve become tired, more stressed, and filled with this lingering hope that tomorrow will get better.

It’s time. Time for me to take a break, exit the chaotic world that we all live in, and enter a new place with serenity. My five day vacation is coming up, and i know I need to make it worth while. So while I’m visiting my family I won’t allow myself to think about the bills, I won’t allow myself to think of the money I won’t be getting, and I won’t think about the aggravating people back at work.

No, for the first time in a few months I’ll be focusing on me and my happiness. I know this will work, as long as I cooperate.

“You’ll go back to normal.” I tell myself with a smile.

What is my normal?

The smiling girl we all know is hiding beneath the sheet of darkness, a laughing friend that pulls you into a hug of joy, a soul that cares about every human being she meets.

That’s who I am, even if I’m a little rough on the outside right now.

I can’t wait for vacation, and hope that all of you can get a chance to relax and find your own happiness. In this world, we need time away from jobs in order to stay sane. We were meant to be a part of nature, not locked up inside all day.

I love you all,

A. Willow

I’m Going to Run

I’m not going to cry…

          I’m going to run.

I can change who I’m going to be,

          Not what is already done.

I want to change my life’s worth,

          But with it comes great effort.

.

I’m not going to cry,

          I’m going to run.

To push harder then ever before,

          Battling the giants we as society can’t ignore.

The sway of uselessness takes my hand,

          And I let it go shouting, “I am the better man.”

.

I’m not going to cry,

          I’m going to run.

Because someday I know,

          I’ll be worth even more.

I am great, I am special, and no one can tell me differently.

          So as I take that first stride for a sprint, I finish with the gold.

My Battlefield

Depression isn’t something you can easily get over. It’s not the issue that you can just toss into the trash and say “Well now that I’ve dealt with that, I can move on.” It isn’t simply being able to brush your hands off and call it “good”.

No depression is so much harder than that.

It isn’t just about thinking happy, it isn’t just feeling God in your heart. It’s about getting down on your hands and knees and getting dirty, because it is a rough and muddy struggle every day of your life. You never know if it’s sneaking up on you, or if you’re just tired. You don’t know if that smiling and friendly remark is going to strike back and tell you your worthless.

No, depression isn’t something you can just ignore. It’s a fight everyday of your life. You fight off the demons in your dreams, you push away the negative feelings of stress, you pull yourself up to avoid that craving of solitude, and for starters: YOU DON’T GIVE UP!

Depression is as much of a blessing as it is a burden. It’s shown me how to appreciate the life I have more. How to embrace the fighter thriving inside of me. I’m not just a simple girl that’s been effected by sadness, I’m a warrior who took down the demons with my blade of determination.

 

This is my castle, my home, and in order to protect myself against depression I must fight for it every day. Put up extra guards to warn me if it’s coming. Bring out extra reinforcements of positive energy if I sense it near, and I most certainly won’t allow those negative thoughts to whisper in my kingdom’s ear.

Sorrow is a  battle that I have won, now it is the depression that I must defend myself against.

I love you all, and wish you the strength to fight away your demons too,

A. Willow

 

An Interweaving Life

There is no one straight road for myself in life. Instead there are weaving bends that take me to new places, old acquaintances that lead me down another alley, and family that backtracks my course to be with them.

All of our lives are connected in small ways, but it is always our destinies that stay the same.

Each day we live, we are learning something new, and whether you are staying in one city for the rest of your life, or adventuring every other week, you learn what you are meant to.

Now I’m not saying that we are all, by law of nature, stuck to one reasonable path. In fact I’m saying quite the opposite. We each make our own choices, and through them we dive our lives into a different direction. There are many routes to take, but ultimately it leads us back to the same spot we were aiming for no matter which road we choose.

Birth is a milestone, family another, possibly work, kids, art, scenery….there are these milestones in our lives that we are meant to have, and can thrive on if we can notice what a blessing they are at the time.

So instead of worrying about which route to take, think about what you want out of life, because if you dream about something day in and day out, I believe you can reach your goal. No matter what route you take, your heart will always lead you to that sacred milestone that you’ve always wanted.

I only stress this because this is the exact situation I am in. I want to have a family, I want to be a published author, but for now, I can’t stress out about every step I take, instead I need to thrive on what I want, and soon, I know, I’ll get there. Just like I know you will too.

I cherish you all, and wish you the best for the route of your dreams,

A. Willow

I am positively, absolutely,…NOT in love with you

What was I expecting?

“Willow, I’m madly positively in love with you.”

….

God, sometimes I just want to rip my head apart and sew it back together the way I want to . I hate being a female, constantly wondering what he is thinking, wondering if for some reason he changed his mind.But he hasn’t, and it would take an idiot to see it written on my face.
That’s right it’s that obvious that I am in love with him and yet, he’s the only one who doesn’t see it.

Sometimes I hate him, and other times myself. How could he be that blind? Why would I allow myself to fall back into this mental torment.

I’m playing with my heartstrings, and I need to let him go.But I can’t, because he’s the one person I want to talk to about everything with, the one person I wish was beside me laughing, the one person I know I can be myself around.

All it had to take was a letter, telling me that he was thinking about me, that I mattered to him in some way. And yet he couldn’t pull it off. Apparently he isn’t as close as a friend as I had thought, apparently I don’t matter to him at all in his busy life.

I’m not the one who is losing in this game, he is. Because sundown tomorrow I will move on, knowing that I tried to love and hold nothing back, and when that sun sets for him he will see that he blinded himself with his mind, ignoring his heart and allowing strict rules and norms control his life.

I know I love him, and I accept it. It’s a pity that he cannot see me, for I am that one person who would be there for him no matter what.

I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.

I’m moving on for the night, and not looking back until another wing takes flight. I know my heart will soar back to him, but for tonight, it’s all right.

Your dear friend,

A. Willow

Only Trying to Help

I offer my advice to those in need, but sometimes people don’t want to hear it. Instead they wallow in their own misery and go into their own dark hole saying, “Poor me, Life hates me, Everyone is hating on me” and that is certainly not the case.

Instead of bluntly saying, “Get over yourself, and be positive. You’re doing it to yourself.” I calmly tell them to look for a positive life, and I weave it in nicely. Sugar coating every last bit.

But here is the part that frustrates me, it’s not the part where they are unappreciative that I am trying to help and care for them, its the part where they disrespect me. Now, I try to be forgiving to everyone, just like Jesus had been, but sometimes people make that incredibly hard.

Because the truth of the matter is, these people suck you into their own drama, and a huge negative bubble is surrounding them. Soon enough, I get sucked in too, and guess where that leaves me? Back into the depressed loony bin where I struggled to escape only months ago.

There is a certain point that we can help people in our lives, and then there are other times when you must pull out in order to save yourself. Today my lesson is that I can’t allow these people to suck me dry, and sometimes you have to be rather blunt to get that negativity out of your face.

So instead of taking it calmly like I always have, today I told that person the only reason they are sad is because of themselves, and since they disrespected me (through vulgar words I will not repeat), I told them until they can talk to me like a reasonable adult I cannot be a part of their life.

And just like that they began apologizing, but I couldn’t accept it. Sometimes people need to hear that they are being unreasonable, because if they just get pitied or are dependent 24/7, how are they ever going to learn? This is just as much his journey as it was mine, and now I must take a step back and allow him to take the steering wheel to his own future.

Always,

A. Willow