Dancing with the Devil

Halloween is a time to scream.

Into the darkness you fall,

wondering if you’ll come out at all.

Demons haunt your dreams

and reality has become mean.

Spinning in circles until your dead

from the inside of your head.

The screams of tomorrow haunt the silence

forever ago there were no giants.

Now they loom over your dead body

Filling you with woe and a chance to show,

the inner demon you have been hiding.

Wanting to dance like a savage about,

get up and feel the blood curdling your doubt.

You mix reality with your death,

and soon you are meant for the devil’s breath.

You falter from heaven and enter the gate

to hell you’ve gone, and now its too late.

The imp inside you splashes blood about

smiling a grin that will turn you cold no doubt.

Now you find that stake of yours,

and shove it into a man’s arms.

He screams and cries,

yet you don’t open your eyes.

The devil has your heart

as your dreaming…in the dark.

 

This was a little Halloween poem of falling to the darkness. Hope you liked it, but remember, you can always find the light again!

A. Willow

Hallow

Halloween, A time reminding me of the ghosts of my past. When I was sinking in the darkness and demons haunted  my thoughts. There were no lanterns or lights from houses, just a time where I curled up and feared the monsters in my life.

Depression isn’t pretty, and it feels as though you are in a horror movie your whole life. There is no escape in the pits of the sadness, no way to climb the deep hole that you fell into. Goblins mock you above and shout shrilled screams. You cover your ears crying from the fear of the witches circling you, the devil coaxing you, and the beasts grabbing you.

I felt hallow. Empty from the inside, but feeling fear all around me with the blood curdling screams of tomorrows.

Halloween. Its a reminder that I am above fear, above the fake pain that comes from the brain.

I now can see the pumpkins as I pass the houses, the kids on the street dressed as cats and Katniss. It’s a loving time for families to celebrate together, not a time to dwell in the dark and fall to the negative forces in the world.

Don’t give up my friends. Halloween is a reminder of how strong you really are. Fear is an object of the imagination. Conquer this fear by knowing you will be okay. Fear is weakness, and fear only comes from not believing you are going to be alright.

Happy Halloween,

A. Willlow

Living Rich

It’s weird to think that I’m excited about a $30 shopping spree. I’m like “YES! I’m rich!” when in reality that used to just buy me one shirt. It was only a few years ago when I would spend at least $100 a month on clothes, now thirty dollars seems like a lot over the course of a couple months.

Being poor puts your life into perspective. How you lived before, you didn’t fully appreciate everything you had. You could just throw money away and you probably wouldn’t have even noticed. Now…I’m thankful for every dollar I have.

Being rich isn’t all it’s racked up to be. Sure you can buy fancy cars, get your hair done every other week, and maybe get your manicure done for the fifteenth time that month. But do you learn anything from being rich? I don’t think so, not until you’ve stooped to the bottom and experienced what its like to just scrape by, hoping you can have enough to put food in your belly.

I know almost everyone wants to be rich and/or famous, with the nice houses, the pools and hot tubs, not needing to worry about food or clothes…

But honestly, all I want is to be able to support myself, and in the future, to give my kids what they need, and a little more. I don’t need a BMW or a half a million dollar house. What I need is to know that I will be able to take care of myself and live a happy life. And I know with God in my heart and Jesus pulling me by the hand, I’ll do just that.

Have a little faith, appreciate what you have, and love the people who are in your life now, because it won’t always be this way. Nothing lasts forever.

Love,

A. Willow

Belief

Nothing is what it seems.

Every moment you waste,

Is going down the drain.

Everything you learn,

Isn’t getting retained.

But believe me when I say,

Believe in the choice of giving birth.

You choose who you are,

You choose who to become.

And you choose to become better than you’ve ever thought possible.

Belief my friends, its the only thing we have left.

Love,

A. Willow

Words That Would Not Come

It felt as though I was raped. Even though, I technically wasn’t.

It was supposed to be a simple movie. We were going to watch lone survivor, a movie I’ve wanted to see for a while. The night was bright, but in that room, it turned much darker. The movie and cuddling wasn’t truly what he wanted, or why he had me come, it was for his desire.

It’s been six years where he has pursued me, in high school he flirted with me, in college,  and now his dream had finally come true. The only problem was, he wanted my body- not me.

So it began as a heated night, I accepted, at first, trying to enjoy the moment, let go of my fears…but sometimes our fears are what prepare us for the worst.

He didn’t use a condom, and in my head I could hear myself shouting “Stop! you need to put a condom on or no sex!”

I was Silent

It was as if he had full control over me, and if I told him what I was going to say, it wouldn’t matter. So as he dug into me, time and time again, I began hurting worse and worse. I wanted to tell him to stop…but no words would come.

Instead I tried pushing him back hoping he would get the hint, but it only made him more aggressive. It lasted for two hours, and I hated how weak I had become.

What is it that makes woman and girls not able to voice “no” during sex? Is it the way men do it, just wanting to take you, and you can’t help but to feel wanted, and yet, you don’t want it? This has never happened to me before until now. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t say such a simple “Stop.” when my personality is blunt and in control.It scared me, and losing that much control to someone I hardly knew was the worst part. I let this man hurt me.

But ladies, we can’t keep doing this. We learn from our mistakes, and we must pick ourselves up. We weren’t meant to be silent, this is why we have vocal chords. Speak up my sisters, you are worth it. You can’t just let a man take you’re body when you don’t want him to, it isn’t right.

There is love out there. It may not seem like it as he stands over you and you don’t know what to do. He isn’t the last resort. You can and WILL find love. We are meant to be brave, and strong at heart, that is what makes us human. So tell him how it is. Don’t think about his feelings, think about yourself and what’s right for you.

If you keep letting a man walk all over you, you can never become strong, or find the one who will love you. Think of love my children, love and light and know that you will be alright in the night, because no matter what happens, or what path you choose, God will always be with you. There is no sense to lose the person you are over one boy. Just stand up for yourself and scream, “I am my own body.” And with that you will pick the path of wisdom, finding the light and choosing to end the pain before it even begins.

Speak up my loved ones, even someone as close to God as I can lose her way from time to time, but I won’t make the same mistake twice, and that is what makes us strong. Make mistakes, but don’t go back to the pain, go to the light.

Love,

A. Willow

Fallen, Sinking…Waiting

I have fallen, from the clouds way up high.

I once saw the sun upon the rise.

Now I”m in darkness, and all consumes,

My very soul.

I’m sinking into a hole.

I feel its negative energy soak into my skin,

forever embedding a new trick of sin.

Once I could see, but now I’m empty,

of all feelings and thoughts,

there’s only misery.

So here I wait, upon my bed,

until the moment where I am dead.

For there lay a shadow that shall take my life,

and finally away from this world that gives me strife.

*

Out of the darkness there rose a ghost,

His name I not yet know of, but still he smoked.

His body was on fire, of a new thread,

ice coated his eyes, and mocked the dead,

he said “child among men, You have fallen so,

don’t you want to end your woe?”

So there I raised my hand,

trying to understand,

this Deity that comes and enters my woes.

But it didn’t feel peaceful, or quiet at all,

instead He filled my head with chaos and blood soaked floors,

Suddenly I yelled, “Jesus Save Me from myself!”

So there a warm feeling entered my skin,

and filled my body with an awakening.

“Follow me my child, for here upon this bed,

evil cast upon you, here…you are dead.”

So instead I took the hand of the one I had not known.

and entered a castle of light, where I wasn’t alone.

*

Finding my way out of the darkness, strife everywhere I see,

I fell into the darkness, until I looked inside of me,

for there lay heaven, where it would breath on my neck,

and whisper my name, showing me how to stay in check.

I thought I was lost, not once or twice,

but quite a few times before I turned for advice.

“Jesus, God, can you show me the way?

I am lost and don’t know how to stay.”

So there they listened and took me into their arms,

and filled me with love, never stopping even for the stars.

During this time, I was still a wreck,

but knowing Jesus saved me and God I had met.

*

The time is slowing and I feel the bliss,

enter my core, and create a new shore.

I feel the kiss of God on my head,

Every day I think, “I am Beautiful, not dead.”

I laugh and smile, knowing it’s not too far,

Until I reach Serenity’s car.

Down the road I must go,

No one can skip, but we must take the boat.

The pathway to heaven is long and hard,

but trust me my loved ones,

it isn’t very far.

*

The Girl I’ve become is very brave,

I’ve mastered the art of saving the day.

Finding the treasure of my soul,

and fighting the demons that had stole.

Forever ago, I once was lost,

bending and weaving to the mosque.

But now I sit, here upon this earth thinking,

“Isn’t it lovely to feel the soul.

It rises up and out of your heart,

forever marking your story,

with a loving spark.”

I love you all, and hope you transform into a beautiful soul.

-A. Willow

The Walk of Wisdom

It’s weird to think that, just nine months ago, I suffered from my depression. It’s been a long journey of tears, fears, and just riding out the road God has laid out for me.
But I’m happy to say that through trial and error, I have finally found a way to be forever at peace.

It was while I was taking a nature walk yesterday. The leaves had almost all fallen, but few remained of reds and golds.
I was upset. I had really fallen for this guy I’d been talking to, but I knew it was going nowhere. So as I asked God why he always dangled opportunities in front of me, and never actually let me fall in love, I began to realize something. I already knew I didn’t need a man in my life to be happy or successful, but there was this feeling in me of disappointment in this guy, and slight frustration that life doesn’t seem to want to go the way I want it to.
Then it struck me. ..I could feel those feelings buried inside my mind and body, but my spirit was feeling something quite different. I felt peaceful, fully whole even though I was upset. I completely accepted the fact that it didn’t work out and that the single life is what I would keep living until that right moment arose.
That is the first time my body felt so confused but my soul wrapped me in lighted smiles of joy.
This is when I knew that I had finally beaten my depression. I’m completely happy, whole, and I can’t stop smiling every minute of every day. This is the girl I missed so long ago. This is the woman I’ve always wanted to become.
I have no ill will towards the man who made me feel this way. In fact I have nothing to send him but love and admiration.
It’s weird to think that through those forever darkened nights, and growing fears of what I was to become, to finally see that I’m a glowing soul full of light and love and nothing can ever pull me back down now that I feel my pure essence within.

The Soul’s Song

I don’t know

What is happening,

I don’t know if

It’s right.

But what I do know is that I’m strong

And that I’ll be alright tonight.

Nothing matters in this endless darkness,

Except the light that comes.

It grows from my soul

And fades away into whole

And leaves me with a pure blissful song.

I am the one who changes my future,

I am the one who is strong.

But it isn’t me that is the problem

It’s the broken chords in this song.

Forever ago I was so slow

Moving with the whips of time.

Now I float, in heavens boat

Feeling the rays of the sun.

It doesn’t matter what he did

Or who he is inside,

Just as long as I know,

That he is meant be so.

What comes will come,

And all undone.

Saying “Goodbye”

I just don’t understand men. One minute they seem interested, the next they are too busy for you. It’s the ones that you seem to really click with too, and it’s very disappointing when they tend to vanish from the face of the earth.

“Oh, I was busy.” Or “oh, my phone wasn’t working” are valid excuses, when it happens once. When it gets to become ten or twenty times of constant avoidance, I think its time to say goodbye ladies.

“Oh, but you’re my dream girl, really, your perfect!” he says to you, and when you respond back it goes something like “Yeah, but those are just words. Your actions are what counts.”

 

So here I am, still falling for the same guy as last week, even though I swore him off, and yet, there’s something about him that makes me want to believe him.

Now I know better, I’m smart and I can figure out when a guy DOESN’T want to see you. But he says he does all the time.

Ladies, I know it can be hard, especially when you were having fun flirting, but sometimes its best to say goodbye. Give them two, maybe three chances, then if it all goes wrong, then you must have the strength to say it, “goodbye…”

And that is what I’m going to do. Because I am strong, I am independent, and I can handle life with or without him in my life.

Love you all,

-A. Willow

The Moment Has Come

I feel…closure. Like the bottom of a lake, brushing aside the weeds and having them sweep upon the shore for a fresh cleanse.

I feel, solitude. And am whole while doing so. No one can enter who wants to hurt me, and no one can refuse.

I want to live a life of greatness. Living each moment as if it were my last. Taking in each day and savoring that last breath.

I have wisdom, It just take the strength to use it. I can feel it in the core of my bones, and finally, it’s being released into the realm of the mind.

I have heart. The feeling that no other can understand, unless they are loved or have been loved, wait, that is all of God’s hand.

To use what we know, in a spiritual realm, is truly full of bliss. But once we fall into the pits of our minds, that’s when all hell breaks loose. The hounds are hunting, the blood is running, and nothing seems to go our way.

But let go of the mind and heavenly thought enters instead. You feel the vibrations of the earth, you feel the wisdom in each tree. You know that the moment is bigger than you and me, and so you take it in stride.

All is never lost, only found, once we use our hearts and let go of when we are proud. Love one another, and feel their soul, don’t judge them because they are not whole. Each journey takes its own course, some are just faster than the others horse. It tis not a race, for time is non-existent, instead it is an embrace of the impeding moment.

Love all, my young ones, and know you are blessed, every moment you think of Jesus.

A. Willow