The Calling of a Saint

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.

I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”

There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”

Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.

Here is a prime example:

Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.

She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”

A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.

I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?

Love

…*Silence….

……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.

My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.

And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.

I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.

I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.

(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)

Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….

Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.

I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.

Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.

I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.

A. Willow

The Story of the Cold

It was a cold day. Not from the frost that nipped at my nose, but from a story I’m about to show.

The day grew colder as I stepped from my car, and to the coffee shop, where I work, I walked. I went up the steps and in the door. And the store warmed my heart, and my smile grew more. I couldn’t be happier serving coffee and making tea, but then…something startled me.

My phone went off, and who would have guessed, it was that guy I was with…only I thought he was dead. For to me it was over, and to him I was not…he sent me a text that didn’t deserve to be caught.

I read it once, and gagged inside….an anger rose and I wanted to run and hide. How could such anger have visited me here, inside my sanctuary of cups filled, but not with my tears. For he sent me something…that was disrespectful. Not pertaining to a rhythm that I had hoped.

I deleted his contact, and blocked his code. So there you have it…the story of the cold.

For I didn’t bother to deal with this madness he started that would end true bliss. He only sees the body, and never the soul. And so I gave him a cold shoulder, and ended that darkened hole.

 

 

The Coffee Stop

Sometimes all we need is a cup of hot coffee, a warm fuzzy sweater, and a friend that understands who you really are.

I’ve always been addicted to coffee shops. There is something so raw and real about talking in depth about a persons life. You just want to let everything out, and in that little haven, it seems like all your problems might just disappear.

Today, I met with an old friend, who coincidentally was free at the same time I was. We talked for a few hours and we let everything off of our plate, and I began to realize how important it is to have a friend that understands you, understands your past, and accepts who you are trying to be.

Releasing all of the pent up energy, and talking among yourselves, is one of the most therapeutic things you could do for yourself.

It’s like a magical spell is being cast. One of relaxation of the nerves, and the stresses that you’ve faced before walking into the doors of the cafe.

Good friends are hard to come by, and so when you find someone who understands you and where you want to go. Never let them go. We need company, and without a helping friend to talk to, we can be lost, and never realize how stressed we really were.

Love,

A.Willow

When we LIVE our lives

Great accomplishment comes when you are happy. The sky above seems to bow down to you. The strangers on the street smile. There is no dark corner in reality….just the bliss of life.

How can we be like this? Always smiling, always looking at the bright side and seeing the beauty in life.

The secret is easy.

Love comes our way when we open our eyes, the songs of sorrow leaves and fades, can’t you see, its within you to change. 

Just feel your heart beat and know it is because of love. You were born into this world with the greatest power this world knows.

Love and love everything around you. The darkness that has consumed you in the past doesn’t stand a chance. Feel the soul next to you, and realize….that they are a being of love.

Once you accept your heart and release ALL of your love into this world. That is when you become happy, that is when everything seems to be okay, and THAT is the trick to living our lives.

Are you ready to live?

Before and After- The Story of Change

A. Willow, you’re being stupid.

No, I’m following my heart.

Why did you send him that, what are you crazy?

No…I’m in love. Can’t YOU accept that?

You’ve ruined your chances, he won’t let you in.

No, I’ve only improved my chances by showing him ME.

Why can’t you just wait for him to see you?

Because that would mean possibly waiting forever.

Isn’t forever being friends better than being rejected?

No, in fact, its wrong. To love someone, there is no stronger gift, so why wouldn’t you want to embrace it and show them all of you?

….Because I’m scared.

Well don’t be. In this life, love is meant to be embraced. And that is what I am doing, embracing my love for him.

What if he denies you, and you tell him you don’t want to be friends.

I can’t think about “what if’s” or about my plans. I need to embrace what I know, and that’s the fact that I love him. All of his soul is what I want to embrace, and I will share it with him, because there is no fear.

But you ARE scared of his denial…so what are you saying?

The fact that I am scared is showing that I care, but to overcome fear means that I accept that a greater power has a plan for me, and even though I might not be able to control it, I can embrace every step of the way into my serenity.

Oh…well, why am I scared?

Because you are my past-self. You are the mind and not the heart. You fear what you think you will lose. I love what I choose. I love him dearly and am not afraid, to follow my heart, for with courage there lies a trail that was hidden from the mind. And on that trail lies happiness that I can’t comprehend. You fear. I embrace. You keep hiding and ducking down the same trail, where as I step off the path, and follow mother nature.

You’re so intense, isn’t love something of the mind?

No it is your soul. What we are all meant to live by. You will never know what will happen unless you take a chance. And love is the greatest risk we should take, for we were always meant to have it.

Everything you are saying, I cannot comprehend. I try and I try, but it’s not making sense.

That is because you cannot feel it. You keep thinking in circles, trying to analyze something that you cannot figure out. Use your heart, and all answers will be clear. There is nothing more rewarding than to feel.

Life

Life is something that we are living, right now, in this very moment. It wasn’t yesterday, or tomorrows journey that truly matter.

Life is a question that we all must face. Is this the life I want to live? Is this where I want to be?

So many times have I changed my perspective on life, and fully accepted “what is” instead of “what could be”.

Life isn’t a mystery to unsolve, its a journey of taking one step at a time.

Leaving your mark on the past, it does change the life you live now, but it doesn’t define you.

Take a chance in the moment, and dare to step off the path you have wandered for so long now.

Is that life different than the life you would have lived staying on the same path?

Yes…yes it is.

So today I came up with my own question. What do I want to do…or rather….what does my heart want to achieve. I love people, and helping others, but my heart is still in love with the idea of writing books. I want to show the world that there is no need to fear. That love overpowers all others, and with the Light in your heart, you can accomplish anything. No matter your status, no matter how horrible of a life you’ve experienced previously. The YOU that you imagine yourself to be is only made from your own perception. You need to change that perception to loving all of yourself, loving all around you, and knowing that you can do anything.

We create our own future by living in life, right now, in this very moment. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today. Love is the answer to everything, and until you see that, or rather FEEL the love, you will never be where you want to. You will never truly be happy. And I know, deep down within my loving soul, that all of us, even you, were meant to live a full loving life with light guiding you home.

I don’t know when I should step off the path, but the future doesn’t matter. Right now, I’m stepping, creating a new trail, and leaving only love in my tracks.

Love,

A. Willow

Inner Fire of Light

The FIRE burns, slowly churning.

Mixing drinks of an empty choosing.

The worst fate of All,

Is once it sets fire in the hall.

Down you go into the depths of woe.

Spinning round till you hear no sound.

The Best of you, beats the best of me.

Now that you are- thy enemy.

*

Fire, Fire, burning so bright,

Can you tell me when my love will end my strife?

I’m searching for a new life of knowing.

Trying to succeed at the approachful coming.

For the light within me is all I need,

As long as you glow inside of me.

*

Fire, Fire, from the Dark cold Night

Is it true you can end my blight?

For I sense your rapid heart of wonder

And yet cannot take part in the blunder.

*

Fire, Fire, going out

Is it really just a puff to snuff you out?

The light within my soul weakens

As you shimmer shivers into dimness.

*

Fire, Fire, when your gone,

Hold my heart and never starve.

Lay your hot hand upon my breasts

And forever take refuge in my bodiliness.

*

Fire, Fire, please don’t go

For once you do, there will be woe.

I fought the Battles of the Darkness Before,

And it is something I wish not to deplore.

*

Water, Water, Soothes the Soul,

But took my light and left an empty whole.

The way of forgiveness must be given,

For the Fire within me is not completely broken.

*

Soul, Oh Soul, What shall we do now?

Without the grudges of my Past Brow.

I sought refuge in my Fiery hate,

But now must leave you to an open gate.

*

God, Oh God, Please take my hand.

And bring me back to Heaven’s Land.

I have not lost my soul quite yet,

But soon the Fire will be back to Repent.

*

*

Sooth the soul and never forget

You are a loved one of time, heaven sent. 

Love,

    A. Willow

Bleeding Heart

My pen bends into the core of my heart.

It cracks and shatters my essence of Being,

But still I live to endure the Bleeding.

*

The red blood soaks my clothes.

It enters my house, filling the holes.

*

I left you once…long ago,

In a land where I still had a soul.

*

 But now I sit here, battered and alone,

For it brings me peace to my shattered soul.

*

The blood then leaks out the door,

Leaving my wound open to the world.

*

For what is Life without a Curse,

Of the broken heart at our Birth?

*

I punctured it myself, you know.

I took my inken pen and dug a hole.

*

I felt its tip enter my skin,

And felt the heart of my lover win.

*

I dug in deeper to escape the pain,

but only left wounding and insane.

*

I feel myself laugh at my troubled journey,

For it is my insanity that led me to my gurney.

*

My heart is open to all who sees,

That I am a Sinner naturally.

*

Is there a way, to end this pain,

Without spreading wider the hole in vain?

*

WHAT MUST I DO TO END THIS MADNESS?

MUST I leave him there while I’m in the Darkness?

*

For we are all sinners of the heart.

It just takes pain to end your mark.

*

You never know until you try,

To end the pain of your heart… and cry.

*

You stab your heart not once, not twice,

But a million times until you’ve found life.

*

You enter a world where sorrow ends.

And all you’re left with is ink & your pen.

*

It all Began with a soaking heart.

Do you think you can end yours and play the part?

*    *   *   *   *   *   *

*   *   *   *   *

*   *   *   *

*   *   *

*   *

*

I wrote this long ago, and upon coming across it, I wanted to show everyone this poem. It’s about the pain of love, and feeling alone during depression, and all I had was my pen to keep me comfort and company. At first the pen led me down a negative road of pain and hurt, but soon, that pen turned into therapy, and gave me words of wisdom to not give up.

Even though there is darkness in our lives, we can always overcome it. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, mine was through God, and I know He helped me as I wrote.

I love you all, and remember to smile, for life is beautiful.

A. Willow

Free Fall

In order to fly, we first must fall.

There is no timing that we must consider.

Just let go and be intermittent.

Love with your whole heart,

and never let it fail.

 

 

My Booni

To Bunica,

I know you are worried about the young.

****Don’t be****

I know you want to be there no matter what.

****You will be****

For out there, in this world, there is no other person I would rather hold, my future children, and their wild souls. You shall love them, all and whole.

I love you, and know you will bring a smile to their little faces every time they see you. You will be our “Home”, and nothing will ever change that.

A. Willow