Snow is falling,
********ever bright,
*************Sparkling in the moon’s light.
Forever ago
*******there was no snow,
**************all I felt was woe.
Now it falls,
*******like an angel,
****************filling me with smiles.
All I see
******when the white flakes fall
************** is a piece of heaven’s moment.
There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.
I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”
There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”
Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.
Here is a prime example:
Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.
She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”
A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.
I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?
Love
…*Silence….
……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.
My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.
And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.
I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.
I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.
(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)
Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….
Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.
I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.
Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.
I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.
A. Willow
The FIRE burns, slowly churning.
Mixing drinks of an empty choosing.
The worst fate of All,
Is once it sets fire in the hall.
Down you go into the depths of woe.
Spinning round till you hear no sound.
The Best of you, beats the best of me.
Now that you are- thy enemy.
*
Fire, Fire, burning so bright,
Can you tell me when my love will end my strife?
I’m searching for a new life of knowing.
Trying to succeed at the approachful coming.
For the light within me is all I need,
As long as you glow inside of me.
*
Fire, Fire, from the Dark cold Night
Is it true you can end my blight?
For I sense your rapid heart of wonder
And yet cannot take part in the blunder.
*
Fire, Fire, going out
Is it really just a puff to snuff you out?
The light within my soul weakens
As you shimmer shivers into dimness.
*
Fire, Fire, when your gone,
Hold my heart and never starve.
Lay your hot hand upon my breasts
And forever take refuge in my bodiliness.
*
Fire, Fire, please don’t go
For once you do, there will be woe.
I fought the Battles of the Darkness Before,
And it is something I wish not to deplore.
*
Water, Water, Soothes the Soul,
But took my light and left an empty whole.
The way of forgiveness must be given,
For the Fire within me is not completely broken.
*
Soul, Oh Soul, What shall we do now?
Without the grudges of my Past Brow.
I sought refuge in my Fiery hate,
But now must leave you to an open gate.
*
God, Oh God, Please take my hand.
And bring me back to Heaven’s Land.
I have not lost my soul quite yet,
But soon the Fire will be back to Repent.
*
*
Sooth the soul and never forget
You are a loved one of time, heaven sent.
Love,
A. Willow
My pen bends into the core of my heart.
It cracks and shatters my essence of Being,
But still I live to endure the Bleeding.
*
The red blood soaks my clothes.
It enters my house, filling the holes.
*
I left you once…long ago,
In a land where I still had a soul.
*
But now I sit here, battered and alone,
For it brings me peace to my shattered soul.
*
The blood then leaks out the door,
Leaving my wound open to the world.
*
For what is Life without a Curse,
Of the broken heart at our Birth?
*
I punctured it myself, you know.
I took my inken pen and dug a hole.
*
I felt its tip enter my skin,
And felt the heart of my lover win.
*
I dug in deeper to escape the pain,
but only left wounding and insane.
*
I feel myself laugh at my troubled journey,
For it is my insanity that led me to my gurney.
*
My heart is open to all who sees,
That I am a Sinner naturally.
*
Is there a way, to end this pain,
Without spreading wider the hole in vain?
*
WHAT MUST I DO TO END THIS MADNESS?
MUST I leave him there while I’m in the Darkness?
*
For we are all sinners of the heart.
It just takes pain to end your mark.
*
You never know until you try,
To end the pain of your heart… and cry.
*
You stab your heart not once, not twice,
But a million times until you’ve found life.
*
You enter a world where sorrow ends.
And all you’re left with is ink & your pen.
*
It all Began with a soaking heart.
Do you think you can end yours and play the part?
* * * * * * *
* * * * *
* * * *
* * *
* *
*
I wrote this long ago, and upon coming across it, I wanted to show everyone this poem. It’s about the pain of love, and feeling alone during depression, and all I had was my pen to keep me comfort and company. At first the pen led me down a negative road of pain and hurt, but soon, that pen turned into therapy, and gave me words of wisdom to not give up.
Even though there is darkness in our lives, we can always overcome it. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, mine was through God, and I know He helped me as I wrote.
I love you all, and remember to smile, for life is beautiful.
A. Willow
What does it take to get what we want in life?
I think this is a huge question for everyone out there who is struggling with their life goals and situations. I know now what I must do, but a lot of people don’t. For one thing it takes a lot of patience, which is something I only recently acquired. But you can’t be too patient, in where you let life slip by you without even trying.
You must try to strive for your dreams, and when you have an off moment, WORK FOR IT. Life isn’t going to acknowledge what you want and drop you off at the right door. You need to walk there and pick which door you want to open.
The other thing that is huge when it comes to life achievements and living a full life is becoming as positive of a person as you can be. Being happy is the trick to success. Even if you are in the worst spot possible, if you think of all the positive things that happened through the day instead of the negative, you begin to turn your life around and you open doors by doing this.
There isn’t a special formula for making You have success. But these few things will definitely help.
Stay at it and love all,
A. Willow
Don’t you hate when you don’t know what to do?
Sometimes I get so frustrated, and all I want is for all the answers to be laid out in front of me so I can look over how to live my life. “Should I do this, or should I do this?”, it’s running through my head for what seems like hours. I don’t know how I stand myself, because…it doesn’t really matter what I do as long as I follow my heart.
There have been times, where I am confused. I mean, I chased a boy I didn’t even love, but I wanted to see where it would lead me. It led me down a path of regrets…if only for a moment.
But as I look back at my past decisions, I knew perfectly well what I was doing. I knew I wasn’t following my heart, I knew I was following, lust or pride, or something that made others happy.
I knew they weren’t going to work.
So everyone, take a deep breath, and let all of your anxious feelings about this life go, because no matter what we do, as long as we try to be good, and just, and follow our hearts, there is no wrong path we can take. Our lives, are our own. WE choose the path, not fate, not God, not a coincidental moment, it’s US.
We each need to look inside ourselves, from time to time, and really hone in on what we want out of our lives. Is it living that job, or buying that fancy car? Perhaps, but we all know you want something more.
Family, friends, people who love you. That’s what every soul truly wants. You can achieve to love yourself, you can achieve to find people who love you. It just takes that moment, to breath in and realize, you can’t control everything, but what you can control is your actions. What are you going to do in this very moment? Not tomorrow, not in two months, but right now to take that step and further your own inner growth to become the person you want to be?
Because my friends, you can’t change your life if YOU stay the same. We all must look deep within ourselves and pull out our inner life. Its the person you are suppressing that is going to plan that big trip, or is going to lose the thirty pounds.
Find yourself first, hone in on your heart, and never doubt those feelings of excitement when you think of something you love.
I love you all, and hope you find your inner flare,
A. Willow
Everyone has a word.
I used to think maybe mine was strength, bravery, or perhaps even wisdom or happiness.
But today, as I sat listening to my fire instructor talk, I saw a word flash out at me:
RESCUE
There was something about it that made my mind roll. It ticked away, I felt like there was more behind this word then met the eye.
Why was it so important?
I pondered on it, and couldn’t help but feel an inner sense wash over me, and it was then that I knew this was what I was brought here on this earth for.
“Rescue, A. Willow, rescue the souls that are lost.” I heard this voice inside my head.
I felt myself smile within, with a warm tingling sensation soaring through my body, and yet I didn’t show it on my face, I only felt it within.
And I began to realize how similar it is being inside a fire, like being inside depression.
The room is dark, from the smoke that clouds you. Nothing is clear. Darkness suffocates you and as you scream for help, no one can hear you over the roaring of the flames.
You are invisible to the outside world.
A flash of anger will come here or there, but fear leaks in making your bones frozen and too scared to move. Then you hear a voice, it’s muffled and you don’t quite understand it, as if it were an alien.
You tune your ears and pray that maybe you won’t die to the darkness, that the flames won’t catch up to you, or the heat scorch you.
A person comes, standing tall and mighty, too scary to see in such a dark place and yet, maybe they can help. They take you in their arms and lead you out. You can hear the rasping breath of the weird voice saying “hold on, I’m getting you out.”
This voice is like an alien, and not understood clearly, that is until you break free of the flames and out of the smoke filled house that had been your dungeon for way too long.
The sun comes out as they lead you further to safety, and finally tears of joy enter your eyes.
“Thank you, Thank you” you will say, feeling like God had answered your prayers.
And when you look back at the firefighter that pulled you out, you see the eyes of a soul. Someone who risked their life to save another. Someone, just wanting to save you.
I hope that in my writing, that I can help in the same way for people in a dark time in their lives. I do want to save people, but not just physically, but emotionally as well. This world is a mind game, and sometimes we have to let go of the mind, let go of the pain in order to see the sun rising.
I love you all, and hope that I am given the opportunity to help rescue the souls who feel trapped.
A. Willow
Song #3
I can see it coming
To an end,
I can see it coming,
A mile away
But still I stay,
Under your door,
Still I stay
*
You don’t see me here,
You don’t know I’m- gone
You can’t take me now
You can’t see –me
*
The road is rough
With only one
The stars are fading
With just me
The beauty
In this world
It’s fading
…Fading
*
Oh you know exactly
What you do
You scold and you scorn
What should I do
What should I do
*
Tears come steaming down my face
Yet you still hit me
Cries and shouts escape my lips
And yet you still hurt me.
*
Ohh, why would I stay here,
Why would I Stay
What’s the use in having you
If it just makes me bruised
*
I know its wrong
To stay
And yet, here I am
Among your covers
In your bed
And I feel like I’m dead.
*
No one told me
To stay,
And I know I’m wrong,
But you feel like a soft touch
When you are gone.
*
I remember how you once where
And that is why I stay…..
But now’s the time to move on
Escape my death of you….
Them
Too much fat,
Too much skin,
Too much of everything in between.
–
You aren’t right,
You aren’t cool,
Why would anyone want anything to do with you?
–
Her makeup sucks,
Her hair’s a mess,
Haven’t you heard of 911 express?
–
She’s a slut,
She’s a whore,
Who ever gave you permission to soar?
* * *
You
Don’t listen to them,
Don’t you dare look down,
Keep their voices on Lockdown.
–
They don’t know you,
They don’t see,
The YOU that you aim to be.
–
I can’t be perfect,
I can’t always be clean,
Nobody’s the spitting image of a queen.
–
But I must feel blessed
For the ability to see,
the Beauty that awaits deep within me.
I must admit, after taking this job, I haven’t been able to see God as clearly. My life is too busy, I’m struggling to pay rent, and life in this cold senseless winter is beginning to freeze the inside of me.
Months go by, and the way I see the world changes. I try to view the smiles more often, hear my friends laugh, but you get sucked into such a dark foggy place that’s its hard to see through it.
This is the warning that I am slipping again. Back into that dreadful place I once found comforting. I’ve begun, again, to let life take me into its hands and slowly fold over me, making me blind to what I know is important.
Why is it that with the different things we do in life, it can affect us so immensely?
“I’m being sucked dry. I’m being sucked dry.” I heart is screaming into my head, but I cannot hear it half the time. I’ve become tired, more stressed, and filled with this lingering hope that tomorrow will get better.
It’s time. Time for me to take a break, exit the chaotic world that we all live in, and enter a new place with serenity. My five day vacation is coming up, and i know I need to make it worth while. So while I’m visiting my family I won’t allow myself to think about the bills, I won’t allow myself to think of the money I won’t be getting, and I won’t think about the aggravating people back at work.
No, for the first time in a few months I’ll be focusing on me and my happiness. I know this will work, as long as I cooperate.
“You’ll go back to normal.” I tell myself with a smile.
What is my normal?
The smiling girl we all know is hiding beneath the sheet of darkness, a laughing friend that pulls you into a hug of joy, a soul that cares about every human being she meets.
That’s who I am, even if I’m a little rough on the outside right now.
I can’t wait for vacation, and hope that all of you can get a chance to relax and find your own happiness. In this world, we need time away from jobs in order to stay sane. We were meant to be a part of nature, not locked up inside all day.
I love you all,
A. Willow
Story of the Day 