I’m Going to Run

I’m not going to cry…

          I’m going to run.

I can change who I’m going to be,

          Not what is already done.

I want to change my life’s worth,

          But with it comes great effort.

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I’m not going to cry,

          I’m going to run.

To push harder then ever before,

          Battling the giants we as society can’t ignore.

The sway of uselessness takes my hand,

          And I let it go shouting, “I am the better man.”

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I’m not going to cry,

          I’m going to run.

Because someday I know,

          I’ll be worth even more.

I am great, I am special, and no one can tell me differently.

          So as I take that first stride for a sprint, I finish with the gold.

Depressional Clown

I’m still fighting depression, I never think I will be done with it. Yes of course, there are the pills, the seemingly harmless way we humans fix our problems. Go to the doctor, take the pills, tell them how your doing on the drills. You talk to a psychiatrist, and they tell you what to do….but have they ever gone through?

You feel scared, knowing that you aren’t prepared, for no matter how many times they tell you, you can’t live up to YOU. They tell you this will fix it, they tell you its okay…but’s its not.

You think about suicide, you think about all the troubles colliding in one moment tearing you to shreds.

You think peaceful-death.

So what are you supposed to do when others tell you it’s nothing new. What your experiencing is too normal, everybody thinks about dying. NO! This is unacceptable. Because each time that crosses their lips, and they tell you its not funny to laugh for kicks. They torment the soul, making you wonder why your not whole.

So you spin around until you see, the escape that seems to need be. So you thrust your body at the opening, and tumble down. But its too late. You were nothing but their clown.

Don’t fall to the darkness my friends, and don’t listen to the people who push you aside. There are loved ones near who want to help you, show you, guide you the way out of this painful story. You don’t need the drugs, you don’t need doctors and psychiatrists. What you need is to take a step back, exit the stressful world you live in, and embrace eternity.

That’s right, this is how I found myself. I held that same prescription in my hand, ready to take them, wanting this life to be fixed, but I knew nothing fake could fix it. So instead of allowing depression to rule me , I decided to control it.

Become healthy, live life for yourself, and know that you are loved by God, the Divine, the Creators that you believe in. I know it may seem hard, and it is, but look for that light. Call out to God and ask Him, ask Him why you are in pain, soon He will answer.

I believe in those of you who have fought depression. It never goes away, not fully, but we are fighters who have a cause.

Live your life, find God, and know that love is surrounding you.

Your Friend,

A. Willow

Falling to Fly

There are many reasons why we fall, and most of the time we just sit there and watch it happen. I can feel the built up stress rolling around like a lost tumbleweed with no where to go. I sometimes wish I was different. I wish I could change who I am.

I love being healthy and on top of things, but why then would I make myself suffer and watch myself fall? I want to be healthy, but when I am sitting there knowing what I want sometimes it’s hard to DO.

I feel the pent up emotions of hating myself for not doing it, and I feel the negativity swarm around me, and yet, if I would have gotten up five minutes ago it would have already been done. Instead- I dwell on it.

Some say it is the negative forces from the devil, influencing your brain and making you weak. Others say you are just being lazy and don’t have enough willpower as a person to do anything right.

But I think its neither.

Now, I don’t want to fully blame depression for this scenario, because now I know what I have to do to get out of the negativity, but sometimes it feels like in order to do so I need to move a huge boulder up a steep hill that seems impossible to reach.

“So what’s the problem?” you’ll ask, and my answer, “A little bit of everything, but mostly my mind.”

There is no blaming in the matter, but an explanation for what makes us, or me at least, not able to succeed at what I know I want to do.

So when I’m sitting on that couch, and I feel completely drained of all energy. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean, and so I reach for the closest comfort foods that will be quick and fill me up. I hate myself as I dig into the chips, but I know its easier then cleaning the loads of dishes just to make something healthy and only to clean up…AGAIN!

Then I come across the question of, “Oh, when are you going to work out today?” my answer is two minutes….which turns into two hours, and ultimately turns into endless tomorrows that never come.

It’s here in this moment that I need to make a different choice. I can’t just keep thinking, “Oh this is bad for me so I shouldn’t have it.” instead I should be thinking, “This is unhealthy and will drain me even more if I eat these chips.” usually that helps keep the bad foods away.

After a full day of work its hard to gain enough energy to work out. Your feet are sore and your back is tight and you keep saying, “I’ll feel better tomorrow.” NO YOU WON”T!!!! Why? because I am a sufferer of depression and each day I waste being lazy and unhealthy only leads me down a more draining day the next. To beat depression we need to fight every day of our lives and know that each healthy choice you make will give you more energy to fight of the demons that surround us, because honestly, I may not believe that there is a devil with a pitch fork and a red tail just hiding around the corner, but I do believe there are very negative forces that can surround us and the longer that we stay in the negativity the harder it is to get out. For some reason, people who have depression tend to find themselves more susceptible to the negative forces in the world.

So if you suffer from the same thing I do I’ll give you some advice to literally pull yourself out of the negativity and try to fight off what we know is always hiding.

1. Think positively- I know its hard, but instead of thinking, I wish I was in bed and away from these stupid people, you need to say “Hey, I know I’m having a bad day, but look at that little girl whose smiling so big, or Gee out of all the crappy people in the world there was that one guy today who held the door for me” , or anything happy because the bottom line is you are what you think, and in order to be happy you have to try and see the little things in life that is good even if the majority of it is small.

2. Be healthy- Exercising is proven to be an anti-depressant. Immediately after working out, for some odd reason the haze you have been living in for the past week lifts and you can finally SEE clearly again. Just like you used to when you were little. It doesn’t have to be super long or hard, but getting your blood pumping and allowing your body’s muscles to kick in actually helps the mind think positively.

Also eat better. You are what you eat and if you are eating greasy fast food burgers and chips and soda, you won’t have enough energy to work out. Lately I took up the challenging of juicing right after taking the first sip I literally felt an aware high of all the nutrients. It literally felt like I was drinking super caffeinated coffee, but it was good for me.

3. Stay organized- I know this is very hard, especially when it seems like its impossible to do so many things, but staying organized keeps you at a pace and forces your body to be moving. So if you fill up your day, hour by hour and you set a goal of drinking healthy juice, or working out for a half hour after dropping off the kids, it really forces your depression side to step back and allow your logical sense to kick in. Also, a clean house makes everyone a happy camper, plus you don’t have to scramble to clean friday night before your parents come for a visit the next day.

 

These are my goals to keep me motivated, and I know that I falter at least once a month from this regimen, but i’m TRYING, and that’s the important part about depression.  I know I’m going to fall more then once, but each time I fall down, I can only fly that much higher.

I love you all,

A. Willow

Overpower that Voice Inside Your Head

Why is it so hard to do things for yourself? It’s as if there is this mental barrier that whispers into your ear whenever you are trying to do something productive. It’s luring voice whispers, “you don’t wan to do that. Your too tired to even think of it.”

So you hesitate, right before working out, eating healthy or making a life choice to be better.

Why is this voice there when you know it will make you a happier person?

You know…I’m not sure. In fact I don’t have a clue on why your mind would even want to betray you like that. But the way I look at it is another barrier to climb over.

When that voice tells you “you can’t” then you need to say “I CAN”. There is no reason why that small voice should control you. YOU decide what you want to do or become, not that lulling voice.

And yes, there may be pain that comes with it, but without pain we never learn to see the good in life. We must strive to become who we want to be and that takes sacrifices. Believe me when I say that voice is going through my head right now, but to overpower it is the key.

Keep believing that you deserve better. Keep believing that you control your life. Once you believe in yourself as well as the light of a higher power you can do anything!

Love you all,

A. Willow

And that made all the difference…

Today I was struggling with a nasty feeling. I slumped on my bed around 6pm, feeling worthless to do anything whatsoever. I grew angry with myself, bashing my uselessness, and inability to cooperate with what I should have been doing.

I glanced at the clock and knew it was too early to go to bed, but all I did was feel tired. I knew this was and still is my sign that depression was sinking in again. I also had to be somewhere at 8 and this wasn’t helping my situation.

I began to dwell on what was to come, thinking I would never have enough energy to get through the task that lay ahead.

I became anxious and stressing as I rubbed my face, stretching my muscles trying to help the situation in any way that I could.

The worst part was, this is a task that I LOVE. I thrive off of the activity and I couldn’t believe I was beginning to think “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

This possibility rambled on and on through my head, like a broken tape recorder repeating itself irritatingly. “I can’t do it. I’m useless.” It got to the point of where I screamed out at myself and demanded for the real me to come back . I pushed through my tired state, and broke through the negative thoughts, and calmly with a forgiving whisper I thought to myself, “Just take a nap.”

I did this and I knew I wasn’t winning, but I certainly passed the finish line. The nap gave me enough energy and enough willpower to get up and face my 8pm appointment. And now, after the deed is done, I’m feeling wonderful because I did something I loved.

The lesson I learned today,  is give yourself some slack. If you feel like you need something, and even if it is a little negative, then allow yourself to let go for a short time. We can’t keep it together every moment of every day, and as human’s, sometimes we need to fall in order to get back up.

So strive for Great, but if you can’t make it, at least aim for Good.

Always,

A. Willow

Superman

Feeling this rejection within me is like a cold sweep of faith suddenly chilling my bones. How am I supposed to believe that superman will come and save me, sweeping me off my feet if no one wants to be with me. And even if they do they aren’t a person I love. Love takes time and even then I don’t hold it for everyone.

SO yes I am weary when I meet new people. Not wanting them to think that I am interested, and yet wanting them to think that I am. So I become shy and alone, secluding myself from who I truly am. My brain locks down and I put a barrier up that no man has a possibility of escaping.

And yet I allow one man in. And all he does is tear my heart without even knowing he is doing so. I put my full faith into him, seeing that he is reasonable and at least as my friend he can be there for me….but he can’t. I am alone, and I have to realize that I must live my life to the fullest.

I must make every day count, and I know that is going to be hard. Extremely so, but I have to try.

Love seems impossible, and the way I seek it out around every corner, in my mind I imagine it, but I know I am the farthest from it. And even if it hit me in the face, could I take it? I can’t trust people I don’t know and that insecurity leaves me to a locked door that I cannot open. For how am I supposed to meet the right guy if I’m always scared to open up. Always scared that he might be the right one so I need to shut up.

Life is a difficult thing, and superman lies in my dreams, but I know he doesn’t exist.

Slowly Stripping Away Life

I have always wondered why it’s been so long since I found someone to share my life with. It’s just little over a year since my 4 year relationship with my ex, and for some odd reason I used to think that was eons of time to be alone.

The depression didn’t help.

I used to fall into the dark hole every night, comforting myself with the emptiness of a cold demeanor, because that used to feel better then the hole that was in my heart. I was alone, yes, and afraid that I could never escape that hole without someone rescuing me.

I imagined superman, and I still do, but now I know I don’t need him like I used to think.

The thought process was that I wasn’t strong, and my heart had grown too weak to help itself. I was broken, and I have sad poems to prove how heart broken I really was, but once I escaped the pit of darkness I began to realize something.

I CAN be strong enough to save myself, which is exactly what I did, and if I had found the love of my life at those depressing moments it would have turned into a sour relationship. You see, in a  relationship you are supposed to help each other grow, but if he would have found me then, all of his time and efforts would have been to fix me. He might of left out of impatience or for the sake of his own happiness. It would have been toxic. I would have been stripping away his life forcing him to give me his energy. A horrible fate this would have been for the both of us.

So now, as I look back, I know I would have depended on someone else my entire life to get me out of the bad times. I never would have been self-sufficient, and wouldn’t be able to handle life.

So here is my lesson to you. If you’re down a dark road, I don’t want you to  think you need  superman to save you. You are your own shining power that can conquer anything. Just look for the light deep within and you’ll harness your strength. And if you feel lonely, then feel lonely, but know that if you start a relationship during that time it might end up toxic and make you worse down the long run.

Fix yourself. I know you can because You are strong, You are brave, and You are everything you need to save your own day.

Always,

A. Willow