To my Past’s (SECRET) Valentine

My thoughts drifted to him tonight.

I’ve been fully content. I’m single, living alone, just a few friends, (I’m pretty much a hermit…but a fun hermit!), and so I was surprised the old love I had for someone came back up. I wasn’t mopey or sad, but there was something strange from the way it happened. I thanked God, for allowing me to love someone so fully, but I also thanked Him for giving me the strength to have moved on.

Maybe it’s because love is in the air and heck, my brain can’t ignore being single on valentines day now can it?

I laughed tonight, thinking of how far I’ve come. Never have I felt so comfortable in my own skin. Before now, I always wanted a relationship, I always looked for someone to keep me company, but now I can say that is no more. Sure, if love comes my way, I will gladly take it and love with all my heart.

But until that day comes I’m smiling. There is no better way to spend Valentines day than loving yourself. For that is the key to a successful relationship with anyone. It goes both ways and without that love, there is never any growth.

I love you all, and hope that some of you are enjoying company, and that those who aren’t are keeping themselves occupied with something happy.

Love,

A. Willow

My Reflections at the Coffee Shop

A lot of the time I wonder, “What am I doing?”

I look to God, asking him if I’m taking the right route, and if there is somewhere else I’m supposed to be. It’s not that I feel incomplete, but I’m in that stage in my life where life is taking me on it’s waves and I don’t get to choose my destination. I can try to paddle one way or another, but if I force it too much I can be way off course.

So here I am, sitting in my hometown coffee shop wondering, “why?”.

You know, I’m confident in myself and my capabilities. I reach where I want to go, but if fate doesn’t agree with my plan, how am I supposed to stay on this road?

It’s only been recently that each time these questions come up, that I’ve answered with my heart.

Of course I’m on the right track. I’m doing what I love, and I’m striving to be better everyday. If that’s not the right path than what is?

Sometimes on our paths the foliage will be thicker and we can’t see the destination. The signs pointing us in the right direction disappear or are smudged with indecision, but still, we follow where our feet lead. I tell my feet where to go and I can jump off the path and create a new one any time I want. God is with me, and with my heart leading my feet there is no more doubts. I will be where I want to, in some form or another, and it might take a while, and it might not be as soon as I wish it to be, but it will come.

Strive for your dreams. It won’t happen on it’s own, you have to make the best part of you available to the world before greatness takes you.

Love,

A. Willow

The Restless Dreamer

My hopes and dreams are keeping me up this night. I don’t know when or where these great things will happen, but I know, they shall come. For I embark on a journey of the heart, and soon, I shall play a part, in a play that I had wrote, a millenia ago in remote.

It is not for dreamers to wander endlessly, among the clouds of bliss alone. Instead  it is a doers desire, to conquer the fears of the unknown.

To die, to live, or to perish none other, than with a mighty hand that you can muster. I know I can, and I will indead,

Make my dreams a reality.

Goodnight to all you restless souls,

Someday your world will change

Someday, you’ll be whole.

The Story of Change

Hello everyone,

I’m proud to give you an update of how I’m overcoming my depression. For so long I have hidden in the dark, and finally a year ago, almost to the day, I decided to change my life. I started this blog, and wanted to improve the ill sickness that cost so much of my life pain.

At the beginning, I was still negative.  My draining cloud of thoughts only rained out negativity. Slowly, with a lot of effort I overcame all my obstacles. I pushed myself to eat healthy, to exercise, because those are crucial to helping someone like me to overcome the nasty depression that clings to us.

And so I went on this journey knowing fully well that it was easier to stay in the dark, but knowing doom would only await me if I were to stay in misery. I hated myself, still three months after I started this blog, and still I couldn’t keep up with a program for fitness, and money and food were hard to come by. I had to buy inexpensive chemical food because I couldn’t afford the organic lifestyle.

Everything drastically changed. During the year many great things happened to me. I finally began to love myself again, I began smiling everyday thinking about how I want to change the present and my future, I tackeled a half-marathon and realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined, I went to firefighting school and rappeled off buildings and entered the burning flames. I found my strength and my courage, and this sparked the person that I am. I found out that I am a rescuer, whether through my words or by my physical ability I want to help rescue the world from the evil that lurks within our hearts, in our minds, and the catastrophes that we don’t have any control over.

For a while, I kept up an exercise routine, especially while attending the school, and I began to believe that the reason I was so happy and overjoyed with this new way of living is because I fell in love with it, and exercise and eating right were keeping my mind healthy as well.

I will say this though, I began to fall again. I stopped exercising during December and eating healthy was impossible with all the wonderful treats that the family cooked up. So as December went by and passed, and into January I still haven’t taken the time to do those healthy things.

At first I believed that I was doomed to face my depression again. I waited for it to come and overwhelm me….but do you know what I did next? I would NOT accept the depression in. For a few days it was trying to leak in, making me cry for various reasons…but each time it did- I. SHUT. IT. OUT.

There is no reason for me to believe now that your problems with depression lies on the outside. Yes everything I did helped and yes it was crucial for me then, but now that I finally believe in myself and I believe I have the power to overcome this horrible disease….I’m cured!

I don’t need those outside things to make me happy anymore for I am truly happy from within, and that is the beauty I have found this last year. All your power to change your life doesn’t rely on others, or the world to change- It’s You.

If your wondering, I will continue to strive to better myself and grow, and become as healthy as possible, because that stuff makes me even happier than I already am. First do what you love, and once you become who you are there is no going back to losing yourself. Fight and strive for happiness and you shall find it.

Believe in yourself, for there is no greater power than to love from the within to change the world around you.

Love,

A. Willow

Lush Green Opportunity= Travel!!!

There has been something big on my mind for the last few weeks or so. Traveling across the country isn’t something I see every year, and it’s something I love doing, but more importantly I want to travel worldwide. Never have I crossed over the U.S. borders even though I live a few hours away from Canada.

With my goals, wishes, and dreams of becoming a full time author, I know the more experience I get with other cultures will expand how I write, as well as the scenery for the locations of my books.

I’ve been wanting to get a passport, but I don’t have the money now, nor will I even be able to go to Europe anytime soon because I’m just making enough money to pay off bills and get food and gas.

But I’ve also been reading these books like Wishes Fulfilled by Dr. Dyer, or the Power of Now by Echart Tolle, and their wisdom has shown me that I must imagine that I am already living the life that I want, as though I have been published and have enough money to go on a random trip when it occurs.

I don’t know how to describe my everyday life, but I will say that I think this is going to be a big year for me, and why not travel the world? Why not? Nobody told me I can’t, God never said I can’t make more money for traveling. So I’m going to do it, I’m going to save my money, (very little at a time) and start it for my funds. First a Passport is on the list and then from there I’m thinking Ireland will be the best first foreign country to visit. 

There is something so magical about that place. I’ve heard stories from people who visited and some from my own research, but the lush green grass, the boisterous pubs, and the homey atmosphere just seems a perfect match for a rookie traveler like myself 😉

I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hopefully with a little prayer, a lot of effort on my part, and a positive mindset I’ll be able to afford this wonderful urge that has suddenly taken me.

Love you all,

A. Willow

Once Upon an End

There is one thing I would like to say to you before you go.

It’s not fair that we have to end on different shores.

But it is what it is,

And as far as you will allow to know,

there is no other way,

but to say

“No more”

So a long this separate path that I so choose,

I’m going to give hell to you.

Tell you the truth of everlasting love.

Peace on earth that is made from up above.

You have changed, and that is fine,

but believe me when I say goodbye,

for within my heart you have stayed,

but now my epiphany of love fades.

“Once upon a time’s” have to end.

And if it is now, so be it, and mend.

The mend of my broken heart has already taken place,

And I need no fixing to move on in this race.

The race of life that we are living,

Slowly times flows, and yet it’s still ticking.

My place shall be with love all around,

And if you are with her, that is your mound.

My love is already here,

It just takes practiced eyes to see it clear.

In the warmth of my heart for all around.

I share my love with everyone found.

Take care my friend, for there is always goodbye in the end…

But it’s new beginnings when you know, You shall meet again.
Love,

A. Willow

New Beginnings

Today is the first day of 2015, a year I plan on being powerful.

For so long I have dwelled in the past, and thought constantly about the future, but when you do that you lose focus on the NOW.

2015 is here and it will only be here for another 364 days. Each moment of this year I plan on making a change.

I don’t have new years resolutions because I know the growth comes from within, and you don’t need a resolution.

It’s a shift. Molding my new life with my hopes and dreams of what my heart wants to do.

I won’t give up hope that there is someone out there for me, and I believe this is the year.

I won’t give up my dreams of becoming a published author, and I believe this is the beginning of my writing career.

There is no set time in when things are SUPPOSED to happen, only when you get up, and work for what you beilieve in is when magical things will begin to happen.

Believe my fellow followers, that is the first key in changing your life.

Changing your year,

Changing you day.

Good luck in 2015, I’m already loving every second of it.

A. Willow

Saying Goodbye at Last

My love life hasn’t been the happiest of times, in fact, lately, it’s been rather sad.

But I don’t give up.

You don’t see me flinging myself at the next guy that comes along, but yet, I am still in pain. I hurt because the one person I love, and the one person I have loved for a very long time now, doesn’t see me.

I’m invisible, and even as his friend, I tend to be…minor.

I wonder if he feels it too, the love I share with him, but maybe that is just wishful thinking. I really wish the reason why he is avoiding me today and the last year is because he thinks of me as more than a friend. He has a girlfriend, someone who doesn’t treat him right. And so I imagine that he wishes he could be with me instead.

Now I know I’m having wishful thinking.

*Sigh

I deserve the best. A man who will notice me the first time we meet, or possibly, just randomly on the street. I don’t deserve to be on the backburner, or a person to think about when his girlfriend isn’t around. I know that I deserve better than him, I know…but then why is my heart calling for him?

There have been plenty of interested guys I have turned down, lots of jerks, nice guys, and simple men….but none are like him. My heart leaps everytime I see him, and I know it’s stupid for me to be so in love with someone who doesn’t feel it too, but I can’t help who I fall in love with.

My heart is something of a mess right now, I know that, but that’s my mind doing the talking. My heart KNOWS what it wants– and its him.

I’ll tell him soon about everything that’s on my mind, but I also know I must say goodbye.

So soon, the time is coming, and yet I am overly anxious. There is this pent up rage within my soul. It’s impatient and wants to scream out my feelings to him right now and end the misery I have been going through.

I’ve said goodbye a thousand times already, but yet, I can feel this time, it will be the final Mark. Because in my heart I know, that once I tell him, there is no going back. There is no “if’s” or “but’s”, just the now, and once the moment has passed my lips, I know there is no more wondering. Only doing.

And so I say goodbye to the one man I have loved unreciprocated for far too long.

Tortured Smiles

There’s one thing in this world that I can’t understand…

After pouring your heart out,

showing love to all the world,

and smile everyday,

past the hard times

and dark times that seem to overwhelm you…

why is it that you can never find love?

I’ve tried to get over one man- it hasn’t worked.

I’ve tried accepting my love and show him- I only get hurt.

And when he finally is here, and I want to be with him,

just as a friend-

he avoids me.

I don’t deserve this torment.

I’m crying inside, one second, and maybe the next,

but I put on a smile and stop myself from crying.

I’m hurting and yet happy,

Accepting.

I need to tell him everything,

and he won’t listen,

he won’t give me the chance.

Maybe he knows,

maybe he’s doing it on purpose.

All I know is that I must be patient

and hide the pain until after we meet.

Once I let my heart and soul pour out,

I know I’m either one step closer to finding love,

or more than likely, one step closer to moving on.

But here in this vacant stage where I’m waiting,

Waiting to tell him.

Waiting for him to see me.

It’s killing me inside…

And yet, I still smile.

The Calling of a Saint

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.

I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”

There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”

Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.

Here is a prime example:

Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.

She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”

A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.

I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?

Love

…*Silence….

……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.

My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.

And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.

I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.

I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.

(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)

Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….

Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.

I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.

Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.

I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.

A. Willow