To my Past’s (SECRET) Valentine

My thoughts drifted to him tonight.

I’ve been fully content. I’m single, living alone, just a few friends, (I’m pretty much a hermit…but a fun hermit!), and so I was surprised the old love I had for someone came back up. I wasn’t mopey or sad, but there was something strange from the way it happened. I thanked God, for allowing me to love someone so fully, but I also thanked Him for giving me the strength to have moved on.

Maybe it’s because love is in the air and heck, my brain can’t ignore being single on valentines day now can it?

I laughed tonight, thinking of how far I’ve come. Never have I felt so comfortable in my own skin. Before now, I always wanted a relationship, I always looked for someone to keep me company, but now I can say that is no more. Sure, if love comes my way, I will gladly take it and love with all my heart.

But until that day comes I’m smiling. There is no better way to spend Valentines day than loving yourself. For that is the key to a successful relationship with anyone. It goes both ways and without that love, there is never any growth.

I love you all, and hope that some of you are enjoying company, and that those who aren’t are keeping themselves occupied with something happy.

Love,

A. Willow

The Story of the Song

*

Flowers bloomed in the meadow,

Where church bells rang of future.

The sunny rays streamed across the grass

And covered all that would never last.

The deer they grazed in eloquence of fate

 But the bear hid in shadows of triumph.

The loon across the sandy lake

moved along with none.

*

So the church bells sing to the tune in one

With the essence of the meadow’s song.

Life flits by and the world still goes on.

Nothing has ended, it’s only just begun.

 *

The couple stream from the wedding,

Hair flinging and a veil falling to the light.

They prance and laugh, and share a kiss of mirth,

For soon they shall experience birth.

*

Their beginning as a couple

Is a mystery, but we know they are double.

Twice the heart of love is many,

And too few is love where it is empty.

*

They come and go through the meadow of time

And soon their child comes of nine.

He sings and dances among the stars

The night has fallen, and there shall be scars.

But the little one doesn’t see,

For the night shelters thee.

Prancing along until the day

He enters God’s hand to say…

“When shall my life begin?

I’ve waited so long.

Never have I felt so empty,

Or lost without the cause of love.

There is no one’s hand to hold

No shoulder to cry upon.

Who shall lift me up,

And who shall I hug?”

*
Twenty years pass among the land,

Yet still the meadow lasts,

The man who cried to God one day

Now holds a child’s hand.

They laugh and play, and sing a song

Of no worries and no woes.

Instead they sing of fate and love,

In the meadow’s everlasting song.

Bleeding Heart

My pen bends into the core of my heart.

It cracks and shatters my essence of Being,

But still I live to endure the Bleeding.

*

The red blood soaks my clothes.

It enters my house, filling the holes.

*

I left you once…long ago,

In a land where I still had a soul.

*

 But now I sit here, battered and alone,

For it brings me peace to my shattered soul.

*

The blood then leaks out the door,

Leaving my wound open to the world.

*

For what is Life without a Curse,

Of the broken heart at our Birth?

*

I punctured it myself, you know.

I took my inken pen and dug a hole.

*

I felt its tip enter my skin,

And felt the heart of my lover win.

*

I dug in deeper to escape the pain,

but only left wounding and insane.

*

I feel myself laugh at my troubled journey,

For it is my insanity that led me to my gurney.

*

My heart is open to all who sees,

That I am a Sinner naturally.

*

Is there a way, to end this pain,

Without spreading wider the hole in vain?

*

WHAT MUST I DO TO END THIS MADNESS?

MUST I leave him there while I’m in the Darkness?

*

For we are all sinners of the heart.

It just takes pain to end your mark.

*

You never know until you try,

To end the pain of your heart… and cry.

*

You stab your heart not once, not twice,

But a million times until you’ve found life.

*

You enter a world where sorrow ends.

And all you’re left with is ink & your pen.

*

It all Began with a soaking heart.

Do you think you can end yours and play the part?

*    *   *   *   *   *   *

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*   *   *   *

*   *   *

*   *

*

I wrote this long ago, and upon coming across it, I wanted to show everyone this poem. It’s about the pain of love, and feeling alone during depression, and all I had was my pen to keep me comfort and company. At first the pen led me down a negative road of pain and hurt, but soon, that pen turned into therapy, and gave me words of wisdom to not give up.

Even though there is darkness in our lives, we can always overcome it. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, mine was through God, and I know He helped me as I wrote.

I love you all, and remember to smile, for life is beautiful.

A. Willow

Love’s Everlasting Pour

So many days I’ve spent, thinking of this one person. So many feelings have been hurt for loving this man. I sometimes think to myself that it is better off this way. He chose to walk away….but then why is my heart pouring?

I’ve poured so much of my love into my soul, feeling  lost when I’m alone, and with him I am whole. And yet, lately, he has been fake, hiding away his guilt and shame. I’m not sure yet of his true name.

Is he the man I’ve poured my heart into, or the man that he fakes to be? Maybe he’s hiding the same feelings, and doesn’t know how to show it. Maybe, I’m the one to be strong and show him what I’ve hidden all along….

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve asked God for his help, and slowly but surely my heart keeps pouring out. Its as if He is to say “Love, and show him what you are made of.” And I must if God is making me feel this way.

But isn’t that what we are supposed to do in this life? Take chances, and follow our hearts. Would I regret never admitting that I am in love with him, even though he is with another?

She makes him unhappy, I can see it in his eyes. She is suppressing his soul, and it fills me with such great woe!

I don’t know what to do….

Be honest?

But that could end everything. Fear wracks my body knowing what it could ruin. Like Rome, it would fall down horribly. And then he wouldn’t be my friend, and he wouldn’t be in my life at all….

I. Must. Stand. Tall.

I need to be confident in my heart. For God sent us on this earth to do nothing more than to learn from our mistakes, love every human being and creature, and to spread our love throughout the world. So yes…I think it’s time, that I finally admit to him, what I have been hiding, for once and for all.

Never give up on love. For love is Strength. And I am Both.

A. Willow

Hand of Light

Sometimes I feel this pent up rage,

Building up inside my core.

All I want to do is scream out my lungs,

and tell Jesus that I am hurt.

For still upon this day,

I’m in love with a man,

and it can’t be that way.

SO I feel the anxious feeling of grief

enter my being,

forever speaking.

I shout out to God,

“Why torment me so?

Why should I give my heart if there is woe.”

Then as if he already knew,

He reached out and touched me

right on queue.

He touched my heart and said,

“Fear not my child,

You’re feelings are very mild,

Just let go of the pain,

and enter the sway,

He’ll be with you someday.”

And it was then I knew,

without a doubt,

that Jesus is my savior,

and I am not without.

For upon my door,

there doth stand a man,

heaven sent,

no matter my plan.

 

I love you all, and Remember, love is difficult, love is blind, and sometimes love hurts, but it’s the fact that we keep trying to love over and over again that shows us that we are strong, and that we follow our hearts no matter how many times we are pushed down.

A. Willow

Delve In Deep

All we must do,

Is feel the essence of our soul.

None are wrong when we delve in deep.

Just listen to your heart, and forever let it speak.

Love all, and believe in what you are doing.

Together you can defeat the darkness.

Here you can create hope.

Don’t let go.

 

Love,

A. Willow

My Inner Flame

Today I ran into a problem that I didn’t know how to fix. Most women experience it occasionally, some on a regular basis, and if a woman is lucky, maybe only once or twice in her life.

I was sitting down at a diner with two of my fellow firefighter friends, both who happen to be male. We were laughing, having a good time, when all of a sudden, a construction worker walked in with his buddy.He looked my way, but I hadn’t thought too much of it. He was a middle aged, bigger set man who seemed like a normal enough guy. He could have been one of my friends uncle’s or possibly a dad.

It was after he sat down, facing our table that suddenly, I got an odd feeling. I looked up,  still smiling from my friends jokes, when suddenly this man locked eyes with me, and gave me a look that I will never forget.

Respect every woman and her body. We are not a piece of meat, but rather a vibrant soul from within.

At this moment my heart dropped. His eyes were full of lust, staring at me like I was a piece of meat he could easily get to. He made a few gestures with his face as his eyes stayed on mine, making me feel as if he were raping me. I could feel his eyes ripping off my clothes and imagining me naked, doing what he would with me.

Now, I’ve taken a lot of Woman Studies classes, as I almost finished a major in it, but even with all that knowledge of how to stand up for yourself….I couldn’t. I knew I could have done something to stop it, knew I should have stood up for myself, but I didn’t. My mind had gone blank, and I could feel the sweat of fear dripping down my now chilled back.

I endured fifteen long minutes of his eye winking and smooching noises, wishing one of the guys I came with would notice the harassment and put a stop to it.

They didn’t.

At the end of the lunch, I got up and felt his eyes grazing down my body greedily, and I couldn’t help but to feel frigidity. I was hectic to get out of there.

Why weren’t my friends noticing!

I rushed outside once I paid, and as soon as I got a breath of fresh air, all I could think and say were,

“I hate being a female.”

I truly, honestly, meant it, and it wasn’t just because of this incident. All my life, I have been judged, told what to do differently based on my gender. In my firefighting class, our instructor assumed we had all chopped wood or used heavy tools before, but I was ashamed that I never had. Growing up as girls, we learn that tools are too dangerous to use. We should stick to cooking.

We are treated like we are the weaker sex.

Now, I wish I would have done something differently, because I actually LOVE being a woman. I find strength in my femininity everyday. I wish I would have been above hiding in my booth, and wishing the guy next to me would have “saved” me from that pervert’s impeding eyes.

Looking back now… I should have been stronger!

When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if I am a man or a woman. I should be able to defend myself regardless. To speak up and tell that man that I’m NOT a piece of meat and he, like everyone else, needs to respect me and my body.

I know its tough to face people who look at you like you are worth nothing but scum for them to walk right over, but when this happens, I’ve learned that I, and everyone else, need to look within.

Deep down, within the core of our being- There. Is. Strength.

Its an inner flame that needs to be ignited, by your soul, your very being. Feel its power and know that you are capable of anything and NO ONE is above you.

God created us equal, and so the next time someone bullies or harasses you, try this silent strength and feel God’s love. It doesn’t matter what the guy in the next booth is doing. You know you have this inner strength that no one can burn out, in fact, they can only make it grow stronger.

Strength is to know that you are worth everything you put your heart to.

I love you all,

-A. Willow

(P.S. The photo is meant for awareness to stop sexualizing women. Instead we must look past the body in order to see our beauty and strength within. My apologies if you are offended.)