Words That Would Not Come

It felt as though I was raped. Even though, I technically wasn’t.

It was supposed to be a simple movie. We were going to watch lone survivor, a movie I’ve wanted to see for a while. The night was bright, but in that room, it turned much darker. The movie and cuddling wasn’t truly what he wanted, or why he had me come, it was for his desire.

It’s been six years where he has pursued me, in high school he flirted with me, in college,  and now his dream had finally come true. The only problem was, he wanted my body- not me.

So it began as a heated night, I accepted, at first, trying to enjoy the moment, let go of my fears…but sometimes our fears are what prepare us for the worst.

He didn’t use a condom, and in my head I could hear myself shouting “Stop! you need to put a condom on or no sex!”

I was Silent

It was as if he had full control over me, and if I told him what I was going to say, it wouldn’t matter. So as he dug into me, time and time again, I began hurting worse and worse. I wanted to tell him to stop…but no words would come.

Instead I tried pushing him back hoping he would get the hint, but it only made him more aggressive. It lasted for two hours, and I hated how weak I had become.

What is it that makes woman and girls not able to voice “no” during sex? Is it the way men do it, just wanting to take you, and you can’t help but to feel wanted, and yet, you don’t want it? This has never happened to me before until now. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t say such a simple “Stop.” when my personality is blunt and in control.It scared me, and losing that much control to someone I hardly knew was the worst part. I let this man hurt me.

But ladies, we can’t keep doing this. We learn from our mistakes, and we must pick ourselves up. We weren’t meant to be silent, this is why we have vocal chords. Speak up my sisters, you are worth it. You can’t just let a man take you’re body when you don’t want him to, it isn’t right.

There is love out there. It may not seem like it as he stands over you and you don’t know what to do. He isn’t the last resort. You can and WILL find love. We are meant to be brave, and strong at heart, that is what makes us human. So tell him how it is. Don’t think about his feelings, think about yourself and what’s right for you.

If you keep letting a man walk all over you, you can never become strong, or find the one who will love you. Think of love my children, love and light and know that you will be alright in the night, because no matter what happens, or what path you choose, God will always be with you. There is no sense to lose the person you are over one boy. Just stand up for yourself and scream, “I am my own body.” And with that you will pick the path of wisdom, finding the light and choosing to end the pain before it even begins.

Speak up my loved ones, even someone as close to God as I can lose her way from time to time, but I won’t make the same mistake twice, and that is what makes us strong. Make mistakes, but don’t go back to the pain, go to the light.

Love,

A. Willow

My Inner Flame

Today I ran into a problem that I didn’t know how to fix. Most women experience it occasionally, some on a regular basis, and if a woman is lucky, maybe only once or twice in her life.

I was sitting down at a diner with two of my fellow firefighter friends, both who happen to be male. We were laughing, having a good time, when all of a sudden, a construction worker walked in with his buddy.He looked my way, but I hadn’t thought too much of it. He was a middle aged, bigger set man who seemed like a normal enough guy. He could have been one of my friends uncle’s or possibly a dad.

It was after he sat down, facing our table that suddenly, I got an odd feeling. I looked up,  still smiling from my friends jokes, when suddenly this man locked eyes with me, and gave me a look that I will never forget.

Respect every woman and her body. We are not a piece of meat, but rather a vibrant soul from within.

At this moment my heart dropped. His eyes were full of lust, staring at me like I was a piece of meat he could easily get to. He made a few gestures with his face as his eyes stayed on mine, making me feel as if he were raping me. I could feel his eyes ripping off my clothes and imagining me naked, doing what he would with me.

Now, I’ve taken a lot of Woman Studies classes, as I almost finished a major in it, but even with all that knowledge of how to stand up for yourself….I couldn’t. I knew I could have done something to stop it, knew I should have stood up for myself, but I didn’t. My mind had gone blank, and I could feel the sweat of fear dripping down my now chilled back.

I endured fifteen long minutes of his eye winking and smooching noises, wishing one of the guys I came with would notice the harassment and put a stop to it.

They didn’t.

At the end of the lunch, I got up and felt his eyes grazing down my body greedily, and I couldn’t help but to feel frigidity. I was hectic to get out of there.

Why weren’t my friends noticing!

I rushed outside once I paid, and as soon as I got a breath of fresh air, all I could think and say were,

“I hate being a female.”

I truly, honestly, meant it, and it wasn’t just because of this incident. All my life, I have been judged, told what to do differently based on my gender. In my firefighting class, our instructor assumed we had all chopped wood or used heavy tools before, but I was ashamed that I never had. Growing up as girls, we learn that tools are too dangerous to use. We should stick to cooking.

We are treated like we are the weaker sex.

Now, I wish I would have done something differently, because I actually LOVE being a woman. I find strength in my femininity everyday. I wish I would have been above hiding in my booth, and wishing the guy next to me would have “saved” me from that pervert’s impeding eyes.

Looking back now… I should have been stronger!

When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if I am a man or a woman. I should be able to defend myself regardless. To speak up and tell that man that I’m NOT a piece of meat and he, like everyone else, needs to respect me and my body.

I know its tough to face people who look at you like you are worth nothing but scum for them to walk right over, but when this happens, I’ve learned that I, and everyone else, need to look within.

Deep down, within the core of our being- There. Is. Strength.

Its an inner flame that needs to be ignited, by your soul, your very being. Feel its power and know that you are capable of anything and NO ONE is above you.

God created us equal, and so the next time someone bullies or harasses you, try this silent strength and feel God’s love. It doesn’t matter what the guy in the next booth is doing. You know you have this inner strength that no one can burn out, in fact, they can only make it grow stronger.

Strength is to know that you are worth everything you put your heart to.

I love you all,

-A. Willow

(P.S. The photo is meant for awareness to stop sexualizing women. Instead we must look past the body in order to see our beauty and strength within. My apologies if you are offended.)