More
Much, much more.
To think, that maybe one day I’ll be more.
To think that today is the start of it.
One thought
One wish
Doing is never out of the option
Doing is the only way.
Stop fighting yourself
Stop the negative mind.
You see what you want,
You seek God.
Open your eyes to the stars above
Open your eyes to the love of God.
No more shouting out in the dark,
No more crying eyes that do part.
You are the person you want to be.
You believe in you…
And that’s all it takes.
There is one thing I would like to say to you before you go.
It’s not fair that we have to end on different shores.
But it is what it is,
And as far as you will allow to know,
there is no other way,
but to say
“No more”
So a long this separate path that I so choose,
I’m going to give hell to you.
Tell you the truth of everlasting love.
Peace on earth that is made from up above.
You have changed, and that is fine,
but believe me when I say goodbye,
for within my heart you have stayed,
but now my epiphany of love fades.
“Once upon a time’s” have to end.
And if it is now, so be it, and mend.
The mend of my broken heart has already taken place,
And I need no fixing to move on in this race.
The race of life that we are living,
Slowly times flows, and yet it’s still ticking.
My place shall be with love all around,
And if you are with her, that is your mound.
My love is already here,
It just takes practiced eyes to see it clear.
In the warmth of my heart for all around.
I share my love with everyone found.
Take care my friend, for there is always goodbye in the end…
But it’s new beginnings when you know, You shall meet again.
Love,
A. Willow
There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.
I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”
There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”
Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.
Here is a prime example:
Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.
She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”
A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.
I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?
Love
…*Silence….
……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.
My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.
And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.
I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.
I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.
(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)
Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….
Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.
I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.
Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.
I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.
A. Willow
So many days I’ve spent, thinking of this one person. So many feelings have been hurt for loving this man. I sometimes think to myself that it is better off this way. He chose to walk away….but then why is my heart pouring?
I’ve poured so much of my love into my soul, feeling lost when I’m alone, and with him I am whole. And yet, lately, he has been fake, hiding away his guilt and shame. I’m not sure yet of his true name.
Is he the man I’ve poured my heart into, or the man that he fakes to be? Maybe he’s hiding the same feelings, and doesn’t know how to show it. Maybe, I’m the one to be strong and show him what I’ve hidden all along….
I don’t know what to do.
I’ve asked God for his help, and slowly but surely my heart keeps pouring out. Its as if He is to say “Love, and show him what you are made of.” And I must if God is making me feel this way.
But isn’t that what we are supposed to do in this life? Take chances, and follow our hearts. Would I regret never admitting that I am in love with him, even though he is with another?
She makes him unhappy, I can see it in his eyes. She is suppressing his soul, and it fills me with such great woe!
I don’t know what to do….
Be honest?
But that could end everything. Fear wracks my body knowing what it could ruin. Like Rome, it would fall down horribly. And then he wouldn’t be my friend, and he wouldn’t be in my life at all….
I. Must. Stand. Tall.
I need to be confident in my heart. For God sent us on this earth to do nothing more than to learn from our mistakes, love every human being and creature, and to spread our love throughout the world. So yes…I think it’s time, that I finally admit to him, what I have been hiding, for once and for all.
Never give up on love. For love is Strength. And I am Both.
A. Willow
Sometimes I feel this pent up rage,
Building up inside my core.
All I want to do is scream out my lungs,
and tell Jesus that I am hurt.
For still upon this day,
I’m in love with a man,
and it can’t be that way.
SO I feel the anxious feeling of grief
enter my being,
forever speaking.
I shout out to God,
“Why torment me so?
Why should I give my heart if there is woe.”
Then as if he already knew,
He reached out and touched me
right on queue.
He touched my heart and said,
“Fear not my child,
You’re feelings are very mild,
Just let go of the pain,
and enter the sway,
He’ll be with you someday.”
And it was then I knew,
without a doubt,
that Jesus is my savior,
and I am not without.
For upon my door,
there doth stand a man,
heaven sent,
no matter my plan.
I love you all, and Remember, love is difficult, love is blind, and sometimes love hurts, but it’s the fact that we keep trying to love over and over again that shows us that we are strong, and that we follow our hearts no matter how many times we are pushed down.
A. Willow
It’s all a part of life. We see the ugly, we see the truth…but what’s truth?
Is it the world society has created…or the being within?
Do you hide you inner essence, the person you repress, because of them?
“I can’t do this, I can’t do that”…. it isn’t right….
LIFE is meant to be spent,
Living amongst your soul’s side.
You weren’t meant to hide.
Delve in deep to the world around you,
the souls of love, and heaven have you.
There is no mistaking what is right and wrong,
when you use your heart instead of your mind.
LOVE is PURE, but only because,
we have faced our sins, and know our wrongs.
Accept what has happened, and together stand,
with the God, the Christ, and Their outstretched hands.
It isn’t that hard to do, if you know the way,
but if you have difficulty, then just stay.
Stay put, where you’re at.
and breath out, all the sins you’ve had.
Feel the darkness of the devil leave, and know
God is with you…He never leaves.
He wants you to succeed, even if it doesn’t seem,
Like He is there, and rather, pulling out your hair.
So the next time you leave,
don’t carry your burdens.
Talk to God, and all will be forgiven.
I love you all, and hope you find your way out of the darkness that clings to us as demons do.
A. Willow
I haven’t really talked about my life in a while. Not in depth anyway. I know I’ve written poems and told you of my mistakes, but have I ever described how I am doing in my day to day Life?
Now you will.
My days have been sunny. Not in the sense that the sun is always shining, but my soul is warm and bright. 🙂
Never have I been so happy for so long. The negative thoughts that used to consume me, and I know, lots of other people as well, have gone away. For as soon as they come, I shut them down. There are many moments for an opportunity for weakness to enter, but I don’t falter. My thoughts are good to me, because I love myself wholeheartedly. There is nothing, or anyone in this world that is going to bring me down. I know I’m going to be okay with God and Jesus looking after me. I know life is going to throw me under the bus a few times…but I won’t let that stop me.
I will fall, if only to become stronger. I get right back up, and I won’t stop. Life is a test of becoming fearless. As long as you put love and faith in yourself, and what you are doing, there is nothing that can stop you.
Right now I am eating clean, I am exercising regularly, and I’m glad where I am at. No boy yet, but I think we all know how that story was going anyways. I’ve been obsessed with finding the “One”, and I have to let it go. Let the wind of time carry him to me when he’s ready, when I’m ready. I’m still growing, and am leaving plenty more room for even more happiness.
There isn’t much in this world that will shoot me down, and hold me there. I don’t mind getting shot down, because in my reality. It’s helping me.
I love you all, and hope you find your happiness.
A. Willow
I have fallen, from the clouds way up high.
I once saw the sun upon the rise.
Now I”m in darkness, and all consumes,
My very soul.
I’m sinking into a hole.
I feel its negative energy soak into my skin,
forever embedding a new trick of sin.
Once I could see, but now I’m empty,
of all feelings and thoughts,
there’s only misery.
So here I wait, upon my bed,
until the moment where I am dead.
For there lay a shadow that shall take my life,
and finally away from this world that gives me strife.
*
Out of the darkness there rose a ghost,
His name I not yet know of, but still he smoked.
His body was on fire, of a new thread,
ice coated his eyes, and mocked the dead,
he said “child among men, You have fallen so,
don’t you want to end your woe?”
So there I raised my hand,
trying to understand,
this Deity that comes and enters my woes.
But it didn’t feel peaceful, or quiet at all,
instead He filled my head with chaos and blood soaked floors,
Suddenly I yelled, “Jesus Save Me from myself!”
So there a warm feeling entered my skin,
and filled my body with an awakening.
“Follow me my child, for here upon this bed,
evil cast upon you, here…you are dead.”
So instead I took the hand of the one I had not known.
and entered a castle of light, where I wasn’t alone.
*
Finding my way out of the darkness, strife everywhere I see,
I fell into the darkness, until I looked inside of me,
for there lay heaven, where it would breath on my neck,
and whisper my name, showing me how to stay in check.
I thought I was lost, not once or twice,
but quite a few times before I turned for advice.
“Jesus, God, can you show me the way?
I am lost and don’t know how to stay.”
So there they listened and took me into their arms,
and filled me with love, never stopping even for the stars.
During this time, I was still a wreck,
but knowing Jesus saved me and God I had met.
*
The time is slowing and I feel the bliss,
enter my core, and create a new shore.
I feel the kiss of God on my head,
Every day I think, “I am Beautiful, not dead.”
I laugh and smile, knowing it’s not too far,
Until I reach Serenity’s car.
Down the road I must go,
No one can skip, but we must take the boat.
The pathway to heaven is long and hard,
but trust me my loved ones,
it isn’t very far.
*
The Girl I’ve become is very brave,
I’ve mastered the art of saving the day.
Finding the treasure of my soul,
and fighting the demons that had stole.
Forever ago, I once was lost,
bending and weaving to the mosque.
But now I sit, here upon this earth thinking,
“Isn’t it lovely to feel the soul.
It rises up and out of your heart,
forever marking your story,
with a loving spark.”
I love you all, and hope you transform into a beautiful soul.
-A. Willow
I feel…closure. Like the bottom of a lake, brushing aside the weeds and having them sweep upon the shore for a fresh cleanse.
I feel, solitude. And am whole while doing so. No one can enter who wants to hurt me, and no one can refuse.
I want to live a life of greatness. Living each moment as if it were my last. Taking in each day and savoring that last breath.
I have wisdom, It just take the strength to use it. I can feel it in the core of my bones, and finally, it’s being released into the realm of the mind.
I have heart. The feeling that no other can understand, unless they are loved or have been loved, wait, that is all of God’s hand.
To use what we know, in a spiritual realm, is truly full of bliss. But once we fall into the pits of our minds, that’s when all hell breaks loose. The hounds are hunting, the blood is running, and nothing seems to go our way.
But let go of the mind and heavenly thought enters instead. You feel the vibrations of the earth, you feel the wisdom in each tree. You know that the moment is bigger than you and me, and so you take it in stride.
All is never lost, only found, once we use our hearts and let go of when we are proud. Love one another, and feel their soul, don’t judge them because they are not whole. Each journey takes its own course, some are just faster than the others horse. It tis not a race, for time is non-existent, instead it is an embrace of the impeding moment.
Love all, my young ones, and know you are blessed, every moment you think of Jesus.
A. Willow
We are all worthy of promising greatness to ourselves, but in order to do that we must first promise to focus on growth. That is why, today, instead of focusing on finding my soulmate, I decided to make a promise.
I know that sometimes my mind can seem obsessive, like the currents of the wind that keep sweeping across my mind saying, “Is that him?”, “What if this happened?” , “Why not now?”…..
And it repeats over and over again, until my mind goes numb with these thoughts and my heart begins to ache from the loss of it not happening. So in this letter to myself, I want everyone to pay attention to how I am addressing the problems I am facing, and how I am telling myself to change my ways.
I want you to do the same.
Love is going to come no matter what, just allow it to come smoothly instead of trying to force it.
The Contract:
Day: October 1st, 2014
I A. Willow, will not look for my soulmate, because in life, they come to us no matter what. I must accept that it will happen when I least expect it, and when I don’t necessarily want it. It will come at a time, when I am comfortable in my own skin, in my life, and in my memory.
I must be mature, and full of wisdom. For If I don’t use the souls of God throughout my life, my brain will drive me into insanity. That is why I swear off thinking about every man that crosses my path. I swear off on not getting involved in a relationship or even thinking about a relationship because the right one will eventually come my way.
My life is dedicated to my inner growth, mine and mine alone. Children will come later, romance will come later, but for now, just focus on me , on life, and allow those who love me to know that I’m not interested in a relationship at this point, because honestly…I’m not.
I am interested in finding my best friend and in order to do that I must keep romance out of my mind, and remember friendship is around every corner, love is one in a million.
Today is the day where I start being wise with my heart and soulmate. I shall not seek him out. He will come to me. I shall not worry about what COULD happen, when instead, I should be focusing on what IS happening.
Live in the moment, breathe in each soul, and you will know if something is going right.
So stop your worries,
Stop thinking about possibilities ,
For it is in the soul that our hearts truly mend, and until now, at the moment, I have been using my brain.
Love,
-A. Willow
Story of the Day 