Saying Goodbye at Last

My love life hasn’t been the happiest of times, in fact, lately, it’s been rather sad.

But I don’t give up.

You don’t see me flinging myself at the next guy that comes along, but yet, I am still in pain. I hurt because the one person I love, and the one person I have loved for a very long time now, doesn’t see me.

I’m invisible, and even as his friend, I tend to be…minor.

I wonder if he feels it too, the love I share with him, but maybe that is just wishful thinking. I really wish the reason why he is avoiding me today and the last year is because he thinks of me as more than a friend. He has a girlfriend, someone who doesn’t treat him right. And so I imagine that he wishes he could be with me instead.

Now I know I’m having wishful thinking.

*Sigh

I deserve the best. A man who will notice me the first time we meet, or possibly, just randomly on the street. I don’t deserve to be on the backburner, or a person to think about when his girlfriend isn’t around. I know that I deserve better than him, I know…but then why is my heart calling for him?

There have been plenty of interested guys I have turned down, lots of jerks, nice guys, and simple men….but none are like him. My heart leaps everytime I see him, and I know it’s stupid for me to be so in love with someone who doesn’t feel it too, but I can’t help who I fall in love with.

My heart is something of a mess right now, I know that, but that’s my mind doing the talking. My heart KNOWS what it wants– and its him.

I’ll tell him soon about everything that’s on my mind, but I also know I must say goodbye.

So soon, the time is coming, and yet I am overly anxious. There is this pent up rage within my soul. It’s impatient and wants to scream out my feelings to him right now and end the misery I have been going through.

I’ve said goodbye a thousand times already, but yet, I can feel this time, it will be the final Mark. Because in my heart I know, that once I tell him, there is no going back. There is no “if’s” or “but’s”, just the now, and once the moment has passed my lips, I know there is no more wondering. Only doing.

And so I say goodbye to the one man I have loved unreciprocated for far too long.

Tortured Smiles

There’s one thing in this world that I can’t understand…

After pouring your heart out,

showing love to all the world,

and smile everyday,

past the hard times

and dark times that seem to overwhelm you…

why is it that you can never find love?

I’ve tried to get over one man- it hasn’t worked.

I’ve tried accepting my love and show him- I only get hurt.

And when he finally is here, and I want to be with him,

just as a friend-

he avoids me.

I don’t deserve this torment.

I’m crying inside, one second, and maybe the next,

but I put on a smile and stop myself from crying.

I’m hurting and yet happy,

Accepting.

I need to tell him everything,

and he won’t listen,

he won’t give me the chance.

Maybe he knows,

maybe he’s doing it on purpose.

All I know is that I must be patient

and hide the pain until after we meet.

Once I let my heart and soul pour out,

I know I’m either one step closer to finding love,

or more than likely, one step closer to moving on.

But here in this vacant stage where I’m waiting,

Waiting to tell him.

Waiting for him to see me.

It’s killing me inside…

And yet, I still smile.

Moon Shine

It’s been a long time since I talked to you.

Yes, we talked only a few months ago, but I mean really talk.

The last time we were fake, you and I, I couldn’t handle the truth and you denied it.

So why did you come at my door?

Was there something missing you were looking for.

I had this feeling, that you were waiting for me,

to open up, and let out my agony.

But I didn’t.

I wish I had.

Did I ever tell you how much you mean to me?

And not to mention the jealousy?

When I see you together, I can’t help but to think,

How I wished you looked at me.

It was that first time that killed me,

and there after, only wounds.

But never shall I be the same again,

I visited the moon.

For in the darkness, you were a light,

that shined so brightly, but it was never right.

For you see her, and I am nothing but dim,

An emptiness in the corner, nothing.

So I wait for the day, that I become your moon,

And I doubt it will come any time soon.

Will I wait for you that long?

Coming to my door?

I’m not sure.

For if another comes, and I can be happy,

I might just take it.

Never have I wanted

A life taken for granted.

If you don’t hurry, I might be lost,

but my heart is always yours,

no matter the cost.

Sooner or later, I know you’ll see me,

but will my moon still be shining on you,

instead of on me?

The Calling of a Saint

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.

I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”

There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”

Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.

Here is a prime example:

Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.

She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”

A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.

I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?

Love

…*Silence….

……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.

My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.

And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.

I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.

I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.

(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)

Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….

Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.

I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.

Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.

I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.

A. Willow

Before and After- The Story of Change

A. Willow, you’re being stupid.

No, I’m following my heart.

Why did you send him that, what are you crazy?

No…I’m in love. Can’t YOU accept that?

You’ve ruined your chances, he won’t let you in.

No, I’ve only improved my chances by showing him ME.

Why can’t you just wait for him to see you?

Because that would mean possibly waiting forever.

Isn’t forever being friends better than being rejected?

No, in fact, its wrong. To love someone, there is no stronger gift, so why wouldn’t you want to embrace it and show them all of you?

….Because I’m scared.

Well don’t be. In this life, love is meant to be embraced. And that is what I am doing, embracing my love for him.

What if he denies you, and you tell him you don’t want to be friends.

I can’t think about “what if’s” or about my plans. I need to embrace what I know, and that’s the fact that I love him. All of his soul is what I want to embrace, and I will share it with him, because there is no fear.

But you ARE scared of his denial…so what are you saying?

The fact that I am scared is showing that I care, but to overcome fear means that I accept that a greater power has a plan for me, and even though I might not be able to control it, I can embrace every step of the way into my serenity.

Oh…well, why am I scared?

Because you are my past-self. You are the mind and not the heart. You fear what you think you will lose. I love what I choose. I love him dearly and am not afraid, to follow my heart, for with courage there lies a trail that was hidden from the mind. And on that trail lies happiness that I can’t comprehend. You fear. I embrace. You keep hiding and ducking down the same trail, where as I step off the path, and follow mother nature.

You’re so intense, isn’t love something of the mind?

No it is your soul. What we are all meant to live by. You will never know what will happen unless you take a chance. And love is the greatest risk we should take, for we were always meant to have it.

Everything you are saying, I cannot comprehend. I try and I try, but it’s not making sense.

That is because you cannot feel it. You keep thinking in circles, trying to analyze something that you cannot figure out. Use your heart, and all answers will be clear. There is nothing more rewarding than to feel.

Life

Life is something that we are living, right now, in this very moment. It wasn’t yesterday, or tomorrows journey that truly matter.

Life is a question that we all must face. Is this the life I want to live? Is this where I want to be?

So many times have I changed my perspective on life, and fully accepted “what is” instead of “what could be”.

Life isn’t a mystery to unsolve, its a journey of taking one step at a time.

Leaving your mark on the past, it does change the life you live now, but it doesn’t define you.

Take a chance in the moment, and dare to step off the path you have wandered for so long now.

Is that life different than the life you would have lived staying on the same path?

Yes…yes it is.

So today I came up with my own question. What do I want to do…or rather….what does my heart want to achieve. I love people, and helping others, but my heart is still in love with the idea of writing books. I want to show the world that there is no need to fear. That love overpowers all others, and with the Light in your heart, you can accomplish anything. No matter your status, no matter how horrible of a life you’ve experienced previously. The YOU that you imagine yourself to be is only made from your own perception. You need to change that perception to loving all of yourself, loving all around you, and knowing that you can do anything.

We create our own future by living in life, right now, in this very moment. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today. Love is the answer to everything, and until you see that, or rather FEEL the love, you will never be where you want to. You will never truly be happy. And I know, deep down within my loving soul, that all of us, even you, were meant to live a full loving life with light guiding you home.

I don’t know when I should step off the path, but the future doesn’t matter. Right now, I’m stepping, creating a new trail, and leaving only love in my tracks.

Love,

A. Willow

Free Fall

In order to fly, we first must fall.

There is no timing that we must consider.

Just let go and be intermittent.

Love with your whole heart,

and never let it fail.

 

 

It’s a Smiley Kind of Day

I decided I’m going to have a happy life. I’m going to laugh with strangers, trust the ones I love, and feel bliss every moment I can get it. There is nothing that will stop me, because I create my own future. Right now, I am ecstatic. I am so filled with life, with love, and this feeling that’s tingling all over making me jump with excitement. It doesn’t matter what people think of me and my smiling face, it doesn’t matter if I am on my own for the rest of my journey that awaits.

I’m going to make the most of each day, and today I am filled with nothing but love for everything that is happening to me. I accept everything in my life, and it fills me with happiness to know that I’m going to be striving for what I love.

Do what you love,

Be what you love,

And you shall receive love.

 

Love your friend,

A. Willow

P.S. Don’t forget to smile 🙂

The One Who Sees

The One Who Sees

Song #5

I have followed, I’ve tried,

To see the good in me,

But when all is done,

He took the best of me.

 

He’s the perfect man,

With the perfect plan,

But somehow, along the way,

I got lost from his smiles

 

Is it me, or him

Who doesn’t see it clear

Is it too soon to decide

To move on with my life.

 

Could it be, he’s blind,

From seeing the full me,

Could it be He’s wise,

And runs far away.

 

I’m tortured, And torn

To notice the difference,

Between him and me,

But its too soon you see.

 

He is with another

And even if I tried

I couldn’t pry them apart,

Even with my pride.

 

Is it me, or him

Who doesn’t see it clear

Is it too soon to decide

To move on with my life.

 

Could it be, he’s blind,

From seeing the full me,

Could it be He’s wise,

And runs far away.

 

I’ve been broken, and alone,

But still I see light,

Looking past this darkness,

That only wants to hide.

 

I believe in love,

Even if I’m broken

To see the love in me,

That’s all he needs to see.

 

Is it me, or him

Who doesn’t see it clear

Is it too soon to decide

To move on with my life.

 

Could it be, he’s blind,

From seeing the full me,

Could it be He’s wise,

And runs far away.

 

I know now what I must do,

I must break the goddamn rules

To see that happy face

Shine with his grace.

 

Oh I love you, now

And through the end of time.

Will you catch me, if I fall,

No matter if I’m old.

 

Its You, and I shall

always be with you.

My heart is yours,

Its now up to you.

 

 

 

 

Regret Nothing. Embrace Everything.

Love. It’s difficult to come by, but when it comes, you never forget it.

For the longest time I kept thinking, “I’ll find someone like him one day. Somebody who’s positive, driven, and loves life to the fullest. Someone I mesh as well as with him.” The one thing I was forgetting is this…

Yes, there are many people who are out there, plenty more fish in the sea, but we are all individuals, and not one of us is the same as the other. Not even close. And what I hadn’t realized is this guy I have fallen so madly in love with, there is no one else out there like him. Not in the way that we connect, and not with all of his beautiful traits. Yes, he isn’t the perfect person for everyone…but he is for me. He’s my perfection, and I have to do something about it.

Love is a curse if you look at the glass half empty. But if you take risks, and embrace the love you have for someone, there can be nothing but good that comes from it. I don’t care if he rejects me, denies me his love, but he needs to know. My heart will never move on unless it sees the glass half full, and I use every opportunity I have to erase all “What if’s.”

I love you all, and remember, never doubt your heart. Never.

A. Willow