The Calling of a Saint

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.

I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”

There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”

Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.

Here is a prime example:

Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.

She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”

A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.

I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?

Love

…*Silence….

……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.

My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.

And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.

I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.

I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.

(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)

Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….

Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.

I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.

Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.

I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.

A. Willow

When we LIVE our lives

Great accomplishment comes when you are happy. The sky above seems to bow down to you. The strangers on the street smile. There is no dark corner in reality….just the bliss of life.

How can we be like this? Always smiling, always looking at the bright side and seeing the beauty in life.

The secret is easy.

Love comes our way when we open our eyes, the songs of sorrow leaves and fades, can’t you see, its within you to change. 

Just feel your heart beat and know it is because of love. You were born into this world with the greatest power this world knows.

Love and love everything around you. The darkness that has consumed you in the past doesn’t stand a chance. Feel the soul next to you, and realize….that they are a being of love.

Once you accept your heart and release ALL of your love into this world. That is when you become happy, that is when everything seems to be okay, and THAT is the trick to living our lives.

Are you ready to live?

Love’s Everlasting Pour

So many days I’ve spent, thinking of this one person. So many feelings have been hurt for loving this man. I sometimes think to myself that it is better off this way. He chose to walk away….but then why is my heart pouring?

I’ve poured so much of my love into my soul, feeling  lost when I’m alone, and with him I am whole. And yet, lately, he has been fake, hiding away his guilt and shame. I’m not sure yet of his true name.

Is he the man I’ve poured my heart into, or the man that he fakes to be? Maybe he’s hiding the same feelings, and doesn’t know how to show it. Maybe, I’m the one to be strong and show him what I’ve hidden all along….

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve asked God for his help, and slowly but surely my heart keeps pouring out. Its as if He is to say “Love, and show him what you are made of.” And I must if God is making me feel this way.

But isn’t that what we are supposed to do in this life? Take chances, and follow our hearts. Would I regret never admitting that I am in love with him, even though he is with another?

She makes him unhappy, I can see it in his eyes. She is suppressing his soul, and it fills me with such great woe!

I don’t know what to do….

Be honest?

But that could end everything. Fear wracks my body knowing what it could ruin. Like Rome, it would fall down horribly. And then he wouldn’t be my friend, and he wouldn’t be in my life at all….

I. Must. Stand. Tall.

I need to be confident in my heart. For God sent us on this earth to do nothing more than to learn from our mistakes, love every human being and creature, and to spread our love throughout the world. So yes…I think it’s time, that I finally admit to him, what I have been hiding, for once and for all.

Never give up on love. For love is Strength. And I am Both.

A. Willow

The Story of a Feared Storm

I looked out the window.

Snow covered the land. Nothing green or brown in sight. I raised my hand to the glass, and felt my fingertips melt away the ice. The snow was soft, but with the air blowing in a harsh wind, the world around me looked menacing.

With a sigh I sat  back down, and cuddled deeper into my blankets. The candle was lit of vanilla frost, and all was quiet with just the sounds, of the creaking house with the force from the wind.

“One Day,” I said as I looked past the pane, “One Day I’ll brave that storm.” And I knew it had more to do with my soul, than just a simple walk in the dark.

“Why not today?” said the voice inside my head and I cringed upon hearing it.

It was too cold to go outside today. Maybe tomorrow or the next…

“You are not living.” said the voice.

I knew that it was right.

Scared of the world and what it brought, I didn’t want to face the freezing temperatures. The day was filled with endless possibilities, and I spent it nestled inside.

“I don’t like the cold, I want to stay warm. It’s the way I feel comfortable. Heat is my friend, and it shall never end, the cold that lingers outside.” I tried convincing my conscience, but it didn’t pay heed to me.

“You are staying the same, not growing, and you’re doing more damage than me. Why can’t you live unafraid, face the toils of the day. Brave out your storms, no matter the cost, for within you, you have been lost. Strength and growth only come when you battle sin. So take a stand and challenge yourself. Enter the darkness of your true self.”

And there it was, so simple and true. I hadn’t realized I had any clue. But now I know the storm outside, is more than what I see with mere eyes. I took a step up and braced the door, entering a world of fears no more.

Pounding Drums

*

Feeling the essence of the earth…that’s all we require

to brave new worlds, and take on new roles.

Don’t you see the beauty in thee?

The purest movement of your soul

knowing that you are, and always shall be whole.

*

What does it take to send the message?

Storm down battle fronts,

or to send in brigades?

Does it take a missile to show the lands,

that you must listen to us, because we are man?

*

*****   No   *****

That isn’t the way. That will only create hate and war.

We must love, with all our birth.

Show the other side what they’re worth.

Our souls deserve love, no matter how much hate,

surrounds their lives, or malice, or slate.

*

Don’t you see, Our hands entwined.

It’s the way God meant it,

the way we must stand.

So take our hands,

hand in hand,

and take that last breath and STAND.

*

End the hate, and love all wholly,

No matter what the cost,

or the end of the dowry.

*

You are the start of all that IS.

So let go of your hate,

and enter pure bliss.

*

Love you all, and remember, we are all lost souls down on earth, it just takes the time to show each other that we care and we won’t hurt.

A. Willow

The Chances We Are Given

Don’t you hate when you don’t know what to do?

Sometimes I get so frustrated, and all I want is for all the answers to be laid out in front of me so I can look over how to live my life. “Should I do this, or should I do this?”, it’s running through my head for what seems like hours. I don’t know how I stand myself, because…it doesn’t really matter what I do as long as I follow my heart.

There have been times, where I am confused. I mean, I chased a boy I didn’t even love, but I wanted to see where it would lead me. It led me down a path of regrets…if only for a moment.

But as I look back at my past decisions, I knew perfectly well what I was doing. I knew I wasn’t following my heart, I knew I was following, lust or pride, or something that made others happy.
I knew they weren’t going to work.

So everyone, take a deep breath, and let all of your anxious feelings about this life go, because no matter what we do, as long as we try to be good, and just, and follow our hearts, there is no wrong path we can take. Our lives, are our own. WE choose the path, not fate, not God, not a coincidental moment, it’s US.

We each need to look inside ourselves, from time to time, and really hone in on what we want out of our lives. Is it living that job, or buying that fancy car? Perhaps, but we all know you want something more.

Family, friends, people who love you. That’s what every soul truly wants. You can achieve to love yourself, you can achieve to find people who love you. It just takes that moment, to breath in and realize, you can’t control everything, but what you can control is your actions. What are you going to do in this very moment? Not tomorrow, not in two months, but right now to take that step  and further your own inner growth to become the person you want to be?

Because my friends, you can’t change your life if YOU stay the same. We all must look deep within ourselves and pull out our inner life. Its the person you are suppressing that is going to plan that big trip, or is going to lose the thirty pounds.

Find yourself first, hone in on your heart, and never doubt those feelings of excitement when you think of something you love.

I love you all, and hope you find your inner flare,

A. Willow

The Contract

We are all worthy of promising greatness to ourselves, but in order to do that we must first promise to focus on growth. That is why, today, instead of focusing on finding my soulmate, I decided to make a promise.

I know that sometimes my mind can seem obsessive, like the currents of the wind that keep sweeping across my mind saying, “Is that him?”, “What if this happened?” , “Why not now?”…..

And it repeats over and over again, until my mind goes numb with these thoughts and my heart begins to ache from the loss of it not happening. So in this letter to myself, I want everyone to pay attention to how I am addressing the problems I am facing, and how I am telling myself to change my ways.

I want you to do the same.

Love is going to come no matter what, just allow it to come smoothly instead of trying to force it.

The Contract:

Day: October 1^st, 2014

I A. Willow, will not look for my soulmate, because in life, they come to us no matter what. I must accept that it will happen when I least expect it, and when I don’t necessarily want it. It will come at a time, when I am comfortable in my own skin, in my life, and in my memory.

I must be mature, and full of wisdom. For If I don’t use the souls of God throughout my life, my brain will drive me into insanity. That is why I swear off thinking about every man that crosses my path. I swear off on not getting involved in a relationship or even thinking about a relationship because the right one will eventually come my way.

My life is dedicated to my inner growth, mine and mine alone. Children will come later, romance will come later, but for now, just focus on me , on life, and allow those who love me to know that I’m not interested in a relationship at this point, because honestly…I’m not.

I am interested in finding my best friend and in order to do that I must keep romance out of my mind, and remember friendship is around every corner, love is one in a million.

Today is the day where I start being wise with my heart and soulmate. I shall not seek him out. He will come to me. I shall not worry about what COULD happen, when instead, I should be focusing on what IS happening.

Live in the moment, breathe in each soul, and you will know if something is going right.

So stop your worries,

Stop thinking about possibilities ,

For it is in the soul that our hearts truly mend, and until now, at the moment, I have been using my brain.

Love,

-A. Willow

Time of Existence

Song #2

Thinking about a time where we exist,

I’m thinking of a place that we both miss,

I’m thinking bout a moment where we shared a kiss.

But nothings gonna matter, after this.

No, nothings gonna matter after this.

 *

Sometimes, We lose all control

Of our lives, After this!

Sometimes, We must just accept,

The fine line, Where we don’t exist,

Sometimes, It’s okay!

Sometimes, It can’t happen!

Sometimes there’s no way.

Sometimes I can’t stay….

 *

I’m thinking bout that time where we closed our eyes,

I’m thinking about a place right by your side,

I’m thinkings about a moment when we spoke our love,

But nothings gonna matter after this,

No nothings gonna matter after this.

 *

Sometimes, We lose all control

Of our lives, After this!

Sometimes, We must just accept,

The fine line, Where we don’t exist,

Sometimes, It’s okay!

Sometimes, It can’t happen!

Sometimes there’s no way.

Sometimes I can’t stay….

*

I’m thinking about that time where we confessed,

About the way we deal with our awkwardness,

I’m thinking about that moment, where we said goodbye,

And nothings gonna matter after that,

No nothings gonna matter after that.

 *

Sometimes, We lose all control

Of our lives, After this!

Sometimes, We must just accept,

The fine line, Where we don’t exist,

Sometimes, It’s okay!

Sometimes, It can’t happen!

Sometimes there’s no way.

Sometimes I can’t stay….

Find Your Fighter Self

Hey everyone!

I was digging through my old writings and found something truly wonderful. If you watch, hopefully you will see just how special it is to look into your past self, after you’ve gone through a rough patch in your life.

So click on the picture below to be directed to my A. Willow Youtube account.

Enjoy…

 

 

 

PASSION over MATTER

“Go to school” they urge as you walk away, “Get an education!” they remark as raindrops fall on your head, “Don’t waste your life!!!” They warn aggravated with your stupidity….

But it’s not stupid.

Living a life that everyone else wants for you isn’t a life at all. And although an education is wonderful for doctors, teachers, and mechanical workers….it isn’t right for us.

The artistic, and the people of the soul. We live a lie each time we enter that school, knowing that it is getting us farther from where we want to go, but closer to where everyone else wants us.

That is no life! God intended us to follow our passions, not money, and most certainly not fame. The divine works with our souls not against, and for those of you who feel lost and afraid of going out of the norm, know this…

You are loved by the powerful force above us, below us, and WITHIN us. One true soul that carries us in our day to day lives. Love is the feeling that we receive when we listen to our souls and our passions. Our life on earth isn’t about how big a house we can buy, but by how big our hearts can grow and reach out to one another.

AND ART IS A WAY OF REACHING!

Don’t give up hope, don’t drop that pen, and most certainly don’t ever throw away that beautiful painting. God created souls for a reason, and our brains (or common sense as I would like to put it), gets in the way of finding our God realized life. Don’t throw away your life by being unhappy.

Thrive to be Who You Are! Only you know what you’re meant to do on this Earth, just take the time to stop living in our cultures reality, and start living in your passion.

I love you all,

A. Willow