The Calling of a Saint

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.

I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”

There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”

Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.

Here is a prime example:

Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.

She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”

A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.

I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?

Love

…*Silence….

……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.

My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.

And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.

I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.

I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.

(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)

Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….

Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.

I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.

Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.

I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.

A. Willow

The One Who Sees

The One Who Sees

Song #5

I have followed, I’ve tried,

To see the good in me,

But when all is done,

He took the best of me.

 

He’s the perfect man,

With the perfect plan,

But somehow, along the way,

I got lost from his smiles

 

Is it me, or him

Who doesn’t see it clear

Is it too soon to decide

To move on with my life.

 

Could it be, he’s blind,

From seeing the full me,

Could it be He’s wise,

And runs far away.

 

I’m tortured, And torn

To notice the difference,

Between him and me,

But its too soon you see.

 

He is with another

And even if I tried

I couldn’t pry them apart,

Even with my pride.

 

Is it me, or him

Who doesn’t see it clear

Is it too soon to decide

To move on with my life.

 

Could it be, he’s blind,

From seeing the full me,

Could it be He’s wise,

And runs far away.

 

I’ve been broken, and alone,

But still I see light,

Looking past this darkness,

That only wants to hide.

 

I believe in love,

Even if I’m broken

To see the love in me,

That’s all he needs to see.

 

Is it me, or him

Who doesn’t see it clear

Is it too soon to decide

To move on with my life.

 

Could it be, he’s blind,

From seeing the full me,

Could it be He’s wise,

And runs far away.

 

I know now what I must do,

I must break the goddamn rules

To see that happy face

Shine with his grace.

 

Oh I love you, now

And through the end of time.

Will you catch me, if I fall,

No matter if I’m old.

 

Its You, and I shall

always be with you.

My heart is yours,

Its now up to you.

 

 

 

 

Death of You

Song #3

I can see it coming

To an end,

I can see it coming,

A mile away

But still I stay,

Under your door,

Still I stay

 *

You don’t see me here,

You don’t know I’m- gone

You can’t take me now

You can’t see –me

*

The road is rough

With only one

The stars are fading

With just me

The beauty

In this world

It’s fading

 …Fading

*

Oh you know exactly

What you do

You scold and you scorn

What should I do

What should I do

 *

Tears come steaming down my face

Yet you still hit me

Cries and shouts escape my lips

And yet you still hurt me.

 *

Ohh, why would I stay here,

Why would I Stay

What’s the use in having you

If it just makes me bruised

 *

I know its wrong

To stay

And yet, here I am

Among your covers

In your bed

And I feel like I’m dead.

 *

No one told me

To stay,

And I know I’m wrong,

But you feel like a soft touch

When you are gone.

 *

I remember how you once where

And that is why I stay…..

But now’s the time to move on

Escape my death of you….

Time of Existence

Song #2

Thinking about a time where we exist,

I’m thinking of a place that we both miss,

I’m thinking bout a moment where we shared a kiss.

But nothings gonna matter, after this.

No, nothings gonna matter after this.

 *

Sometimes, We lose all control

Of our lives, After this!

Sometimes, We must just accept,

The fine line, Where we don’t exist,

Sometimes, It’s okay!

Sometimes, It can’t happen!

Sometimes there’s no way.

Sometimes I can’t stay….

 *

I’m thinking bout that time where we closed our eyes,

I’m thinking about a place right by your side,

I’m thinkings about a moment when we spoke our love,

But nothings gonna matter after this,

No nothings gonna matter after this.

 *

Sometimes, We lose all control

Of our lives, After this!

Sometimes, We must just accept,

The fine line, Where we don’t exist,

Sometimes, It’s okay!

Sometimes, It can’t happen!

Sometimes there’s no way.

Sometimes I can’t stay….

*

I’m thinking about that time where we confessed,

About the way we deal with our awkwardness,

I’m thinking about that moment, where we said goodbye,

And nothings gonna matter after that,

No nothings gonna matter after that.

 *

Sometimes, We lose all control

Of our lives, After this!

Sometimes, We must just accept,

The fine line, Where we don’t exist,

Sometimes, It’s okay!

Sometimes, It can’t happen!

Sometimes there’s no way.

Sometimes I can’t stay….