The Story of Change

Hello everyone,

I’m proud to give you an update of how I’m overcoming my depression. For so long I have hidden in the dark, and finally a year ago, almost to the day, I decided to change my life. I started this blog, and wanted to improve the ill sickness that cost so much of my life pain.

At the beginning, I was still negative.  My draining cloud of thoughts only rained out negativity. Slowly, with a lot of effort I overcame all my obstacles. I pushed myself to eat healthy, to exercise, because those are crucial to helping someone like me to overcome the nasty depression that clings to us.

And so I went on this journey knowing fully well that it was easier to stay in the dark, but knowing doom would only await me if I were to stay in misery. I hated myself, still three months after I started this blog, and still I couldn’t keep up with a program for fitness, and money and food were hard to come by. I had to buy inexpensive chemical food because I couldn’t afford the organic lifestyle.

Everything drastically changed. During the year many great things happened to me. I finally began to love myself again, I began smiling everyday thinking about how I want to change the present and my future, I tackeled a half-marathon and realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined, I went to firefighting school and rappeled off buildings and entered the burning flames. I found my strength and my courage, and this sparked the person that I am. I found out that I am a rescuer, whether through my words or by my physical ability I want to help rescue the world from the evil that lurks within our hearts, in our minds, and the catastrophes that we don’t have any control over.

For a while, I kept up an exercise routine, especially while attending the school, and I began to believe that the reason I was so happy and overjoyed with this new way of living is because I fell in love with it, and exercise and eating right were keeping my mind healthy as well.

I will say this though, I began to fall again. I stopped exercising during December and eating healthy was impossible with all the wonderful treats that the family cooked up. So as December went by and passed, and into January I still haven’t taken the time to do those healthy things.

At first I believed that I was doomed to face my depression again. I waited for it to come and overwhelm me….but do you know what I did next? I would NOT accept the depression in. For a few days it was trying to leak in, making me cry for various reasons…but each time it did- I. SHUT. IT. OUT.

There is no reason for me to believe now that your problems with depression lies on the outside. Yes everything I did helped and yes it was crucial for me then, but now that I finally believe in myself and I believe I have the power to overcome this horrible disease….I’m cured!

I don’t need those outside things to make me happy anymore for I am truly happy from within, and that is the beauty I have found this last year. All your power to change your life doesn’t rely on others, or the world to change- It’s You.

If your wondering, I will continue to strive to better myself and grow, and become as healthy as possible, because that stuff makes me even happier than I already am. First do what you love, and once you become who you are there is no going back to losing yourself. Fight and strive for happiness and you shall find it.

Believe in yourself, for there is no greater power than to love from the within to change the world around you.

Love,

A. Willow

The Calling of a Saint

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m unsure about. I used to toss and turn over the problems I face, thinking that I’m doomed if I make the wrong decision, or that I would be hated if I didn’t pick the right one.

I always thought about people, about what they wanted. “Do the other girls at school think I’m a dork for wearing this?” or the classic, “I wonder if that guy over there thinks I’m cute… no my hairs a mess today. I shouldn’t let him see me.” Or the possible, “If I do this, my family will think I’m a failure and/or hate me.”

There are many things that used to go through my mind that repeated the same rhythem…”what does everybody else think?”

Now, I can say I never think about that when I’m making my own decisions. I wear what I want to wear because it suits me or is comfy…I picked it out for a reason. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet a cute guy, I just smile and know that’s more than enough to attract the one I’m looking for. And with my family, they just have to accept who I am, and if they can’t then that is their dilemma, and I can’t do anything to change their minds. But I never allow it to affect me.

Here is a prime example:

Yesterday, while visiting my 8 month pregnant sister, I came across a problem. I confessed to her, about the guy I’m in love with, told her I was going to finally confess to him why I love him and for how long.

She glared at me. She told me, “You don’t know what love is. You have to be with someone and know their bad side and good side in order to love someone. Your just desperate and looking for someone right now.”

A year ago…I would have agreed. I would have said, “Yeah, your probably right.” But now!!! I was devastated. This is my sister, telling me I wasn’t in love with someone….do you know how long and hard I have focused on my inner self? I have listened to sin, I’ve followed lust, I even met jealousy once a week for coffee. There have been plenty of times that the demons of Hell (!!!!!) came to visit me and dragged my soul down to hell with them, even though my body stayed on earth.

I’ve been tempted by the devil, and tortured by his thoughts…but I’ve stopped. Don’t you see, I have messed up just like every other person in this world. I’ve thought about being selfish, I’ve hated others for what they had and I didn’t have, and I fell into a state of depression for over a year….and how do you think I came out of it?

Love

…*Silence….

……Don’t tell me, that I don’t know who I love. Don’t tell me, that I don’t know HOW to love. And most certainly do NOT tell me that you know more about love than me.

My soul…it’s been searching for the key to life, and I’ve found it. I finally have. It’s by living through love and by love every day. It’s by FEELING, and not thinking, not judging, just FEELING what is right. I know now what I must do with my life, without pressure because I choose to do the things that I love, I choose to follow my heart every day. I don’t pick apart my brain wondering what will happen. I can’t anymore.

And for her to tell me that I don’t love someone…it broke my heart in two. My own sister telling me what I can or cannot feel. What is fake to her is certainly real to me.

I love this man and always will. I know this not because I’ve thought about how awesome he is (And he is pretty awesome), but by feeling what is right. Light surrounds me when I am with him. Warmth flutters through me when we are both as real as can be. Fake is what makes us feel those other things. Love is what sets us free, and I’m finally admitting to him that I love him.

I already know I will be denied….at first. I’m expecting it. I feel that too. For he doesn’t want to open up because he’s scared that someday…I could be his world. That there is a life better waiting for him than the one he’s living now. And he’s scared that he might actually deserved to be fully loved back.

(I’m real darling. One hundred percent. Every moment I am with you. I am yours.)

Love isn’t something you can think about. It’s a feeling you get that words can’t possibly fully describe. Your mind can’t understand love my dear sister…and you most certainly can’t tell if someone is in love by using your mind….

Use your heart. When you see a couple in love…you don’t think, “Well this is why and blah blah blah….”, no, the next time you see someone in love, and you know its true….its because your feeling it too. You feel their love, that is SO GREAT, rushing off of them and leaking on to you. And when you see that couple you begin to think “I want what they have”…but only because you felt it.

I am so tired of people telling me that I’m obsessed with writing, that I’m only “in love” with him because he’s the only guy I think is perfect, and how everyone sees me as this mess up who goes with the flow way too often.

Everything I described up above is because of love, and nothing else matters.

I love you all, and please forgive me for my shout out. My heart was hurt for only but a moment, but it is fully working now. Without it, I couldn’t have written this post.

A. Willow

The Story of the Cold

It was a cold day. Not from the frost that nipped at my nose, but from a story I’m about to show.

The day grew colder as I stepped from my car, and to the coffee shop, where I work, I walked. I went up the steps and in the door. And the store warmed my heart, and my smile grew more. I couldn’t be happier serving coffee and making tea, but then…something startled me.

My phone went off, and who would have guessed, it was that guy I was with…only I thought he was dead. For to me it was over, and to him I was not…he sent me a text that didn’t deserve to be caught.

I read it once, and gagged inside….an anger rose and I wanted to run and hide. How could such anger have visited me here, inside my sanctuary of cups filled, but not with my tears. For he sent me something…that was disrespectful. Not pertaining to a rhythm that I had hoped.

I deleted his contact, and blocked his code. So there you have it…the story of the cold.

For I didn’t bother to deal with this madness he started that would end true bliss. He only sees the body, and never the soul. And so I gave him a cold shoulder, and ended that darkened hole.